The Waiting

Have you ever experienced a situation where a person asks you to consider a position and you just feel inadequate?

We are in this place and I'm more then flummoxed. Frankly - the whole thing makes me shake in my big girl boots. We are in the "mulling it over" part of the process and I keep thinking "Why us"? There are about 100 others within a square mile who'd likely fill those shoes more solidly, not to mention the handful of other things we can do with a moderate amount of ease.

When Scott and I arrived in KC to be a part of the Int. House of Prayer it was supposed to be a sabbatical. Our plan was to take 6 months to breath and then move to Seattle to be a part of a church plant as Family Pastor's with old friends. We were serious enough about it that we bought a house in Seattle. During those 6 months there were several visits to and from Seattle with our friends and in the end we concluded the fit was not right. Our style of ministry was different and so we pulled our boots up, swallowed with trepidation and said no to the offer and that left us alive and kicking in KC, but waiting.

In the waiting key things happened. I worked at a Mosaic Art Studio for a year which opened a door in me; suddenly I had permission and freedom to create. We adopted Riley in a most miraculous way. It was one of those right time, right place, divine moments. After Riley we thought OK - that was it. THAT was why we stayed and so begin looking out onto the horizon, asking God for direction...and we waited.

We haven't twiddle our thumbs in the waiting. We worked the construction business, stayed on staff at IHOP, went through 2 miscarriages, had a 3rd child, poured into old relationships and reached out for new. Job offers have come over the years and we've explored them; pastoring, working with kids, office management, habitat for humanity...stuff right up our alley. Offers we have skill sets for, but in pray could find no solid peace to say yes...so we've waited.

Waiting is a dicey thing.

Waiting on the Lord to weave new skeins into the tapestry doesn't always feel good. It's a choice that can bear much beauty in the soul, but a person can get so comfortable in the waiting that leaving that place is difficult. There is ease in anonymity.

The kind of waiting the Bible describes paints the image of a server in a restaurant who tarries at the table, lingering to fill, bring and clear. It is an active thing. Honestly, the type of waiting I'm used to has involved checking out until the next best thing comes along. I, like so many in our culture, have moved to and from jobs letting position dictate place and it is a cheap substitute. It's like settling for a burnt burger at Flo's Diner, vs. sitting down at Le Cirque to Jean Marcellin serving Prime Dry Aged Strip Steak served with a tapenade and potato beignet. It's choosing Mad Dog over Chateau Lafite, chuck steak instead of Filet Mignon. It is the fare I have so often eaten in the rush of just trying to make my life count.

If you were to ask us to describe ourselves at this point in life we'd say "nothing special", "like every other guy sitting on the bench" and the bench is starting to feel like home and that is comfortable and scary all at the same time.

A person stands to loose a lot in the waiting - identity, possessions, dreams and at times their way. Hidden is not necessarily a bad state to be in. Time to regroup, refresh, rest and re-define is vital, but once you start wandering around in the hiding you can get lost in a flash. I have wondered if we've FINALLY given over to some grace of humility, or have we just settled in?

I don't believe we're lost and I don't think the waiting is because of some wrong turn in life and now we are being punished by the fate of our choices. God's grace covers a far wider swath. Likely there were a million little pieces of us and time that needed to be adjusted. Likely we needed to have our identity, possessions and ideas turned over so the real Scott and Marcie could stand up. We needed a good shake, so the fruit - rotten and fresh - would fall. God has been brewing us a bit like a fine wine. Chipping off the rock surrounding the core because we said "yes" to His hand in our lives in that way; but this part of the journey has not been easy.

We all have to give up some of what we think we are, in order to arrive at who we might really be. I just don't want to be so comfortable with hiding that it becomes the norm.

The offer before us is not the end all be all. It's not the creme de le creme dream position. We won't suddenly have arrived at some pinnacle place, where every vista is a new delight if we say yes. What makes this markedly different is the timing....I have been feeling life make room for me. I can't quite describe it, but things are moving over and I am starting to stand differently and this offer may be a part of that.

Weakness is right where Jesus does His best work...I get that. I've preached it. If this is our moment to step into something then we want to do it with freedom and joy, but if it is not then God please grant us the strength to stay in the waiting.