C.S. Lewis on love & pain

There is all kinds of pain.

Physical, emotional, phantom, acute, mental. Pangs of the hearts, ailments of the body, anguish of the mind, imagined pain, aggravated pain, pains in the butt. Pain is a fact of life. It can involve physical suffering, psychological hurt, social rejection or material deprivation. Loneliness, criticism, unemployment, breakdown, failure, divorce, persecution and bereavement, physical illness all tend to bring pain in their wake.

People say there can be false pain, but I am still not sure about that. For sure, there are hypochondriacs who imagine or create pain where it does not really exist, but it really is just wounding coming out in a different direction. Still pain to me.

Whether we describe what we are feeling as an irritant, discomfort, distress, anguish, anxiety, travail, loss, suffering, bother, vexation, weariness...it all really boils down to pain and it is common to man. We ALL feel pain of various sorts. We ALL have things in our lives we wish would change, we could be relieved of or wish we could have a "do-over" on.

Physically, pain can be a gift when it triggers us to know that something in our body needs attention. (The absence of pain is one of the problems associated with leprosy). At the same time, sometimes a good gift can turn bad with illness and disease.

Pain, for many, is the main obstacle in believing in God as so many grapple with the place and cause of suffering around them. As sin abounds much, suffering grows and one real look at local and world news can be enough to deflate the hope of even the greatest optimist if that hope is not grounded in the Lord. A part of the reason for the narcissism of this "me" generation is an attempt to escape pain and sin.

C.S Lewis had some things to say about pain and Robert Banks in a 2006 talk at a Moore College theological conference summed some of Lewis' words as follows:

According to Lewis, the problem of pain in its simplest form is as follows: “If God were good, he would wish to make his creatures perfectly happy, and if God were almighty he would be able to do what he wished. But the creatures are not happy. Therefore God lacks either the goodness, or power, or both”. To answer this, he says, we need to look more closely at erroneous assumptions built into the words “all-powerful” and “good” when ascribed to God.

The “all-powerfulness” of God is often taken to mean that God can do anything. But, says Lewis, he cannot do what is against his nature or choice. For example, even God cannot make 2+2 anything other than 4. Having made the world to work in certain consistent ways, like the force of gravity, he does not arbitrarily change these whenever potential harm rears its head. Though this does not rule out what we call miracles, if God kept changing the way things normally operate in the world, it would be impossible for us to rise to genuine challenges or act with real responsibly within it.

Unfortunately, fashioning such a reliable world opens up the possibility of people hurting each other in various ways. We might be able to conceive of a world in which God would correct every overstepping of a risk or abuse of the free will through constantly intervening in our affairs. However, such short-circuiting of all harmful actions and evil intentions would involve the destruction of human responsibility and freedom. http://www.cslewistoday.com/blog/the-problem-of-pain

Here are my less eloquent thoughts:

1. When we choose love in the midst of pain, we choose God. Love at every level (affection, friendship, erotic love, and the love of God.) will cause pain if we really invest ourselves in it. As Christians there is a redemption we get in being covered by the blood of a man / lamb who paid for our sins, but that redemption is something we wear on earth as humans who have free will. And in this broken place; we hurt and we hurt people.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." C.S. Lewis

"Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself. --The Problem of Pain

2. Love realizes that for every sin done against self, self has sinned against another. Love does not excuse sin, but covers over it. Will I love when the feeling of love has been wounded? Will I choose the "greatest of these" emotions? Love carries a multitude of sins, covers a multitude. Love forgives wide and Love forgives deep.

"At this very moment you and I are either committing [selfishness], or about to commit it, or repenting it." --The Problem of Pain

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained” --Answers to Questions on Christianity

“We are all fallen creatures and all very hard to live with”-- C.s. Lewis

3. Saying yes to God's kind of love meant we no longer get to choose when we give it out.

“I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare.” --C. S. Lewis.

"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain" --C. S. Lewis.

4. Perfect love casts out fear and love is the only antidote to grief and fear.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” C.S. Lewis

"The heart never takes the place of the head: but it can, and should, obey it."--The Abolition of Man

5. Love and faith and belief are a choice. It is a part of daily picking up our cross. I once read that Biblical verse as likened to a boat pushing off of the dock and going out to sea. In order to move out and on, we have to untie from what kept us. It is called casting off and a part of choosing is casting off.

"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done..." --from a letter "To Mrs. L."

6. It is in the "not so great moments" that the best or worst of who we are arises...

"Everyone feels benevolent if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment."--The Problem of Pain

7. Love as we experience it, is but a mere shadow of the real thing. Most of the time we are hard-pressed to put our best moments of love and our worst moments of pain into words because it limits the experience and mere words do not do justice to the feelings. The only one who can truly experience the fullness of what we feel is Jesus. He was a man ACQUAINTED WITH, thus - he is the only one wholly able to carry me, intercede for me and identify with me.

"Pure, spiritual, intellectual love shot fromm their faces like barbed lightning. It was so unlike the love we experience that its expression could easily be mistaken for ferocity." --Perelandra

8. IN the END.....The word “pain” or some form of it appears over 70 times in Scripture. Jesus felt pain for our sake (Isaiah 53: 3-5) and somehow - when we stand with Jesus - we can rejoice in pain and consider our trials with joy because of what it will work in us. (James 1:2-3, Romans 5). And for all my words their is THE word and it declares that in the end:

"...God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful." Revelation 22:4-5

Help us do what we need to do....

HOLY MOSES!!!

Today is 1-1-11 and I cannot believe how quickly the year has passed. My mama was right all those years ago when she cautioned me to live full because time moves quickly as you get older.

I woke up this morning with a sense of hope in my heart and it was such a welcome sensation! 2010 was a tough year on many fronts for our family. It felt like we put our nose to the grindstone and plowed; trusting (barely at times) that our fields would look different down the road. Seems that the spiritual opposition toward us making ANY stride forward has been fierce. I can mark MANY times in the last year where Scott and I have pulled up our bootstraps to rally in prayer "yet again" and within hours something crazy is happening...kids screaming in their sleep, sickness coming on suddenly, irrational craziness, impending sense of darkness and hopelessness, fighting when you are not sure what you are fighting for, business failure and betrayal we were not ready for, etc.

Sometimes I have been able to remind myself..."well, we must be doing something right if there is this much warfare", but truthfully as the year grew, I also grew...more frustrated, more hopeless, weaker, more tired.

If I were to describe it in a picture it would be something like this....

There is a seawall in Depoe Bay, Oregon right next to Highway 101; which winds down the coast. (the highway, not the seawall) It is a stunning drive full of hairpin turns, incredible vistas, quaint seaside towns and whole lot of memories. One of those "memory" spots is the Depoe Bay seawall which divides the ocean from what some say is the world's smallest navigable harbor. It also divides the town from the ocean. Depoe Bay does not have a stoplight and if you sneezed you might miss the seawall, but because I grew up on that coastline I am very familiar with the highway. Oftentimes, my family would stop on our way to somewhere or back from somewhere to take a gander at the seawall...it was a great place to see the resident pod of whales that stay in the area much of the year. Sea mist hangs around and spray from the waves hiting the wall. There are also these things called spouting horns that shoot geysers of sea water up through blow holes located at the base of the sea wall during storms and heavy surf. Sometimes the geysers shoot up over the seawall and across the highway.

Mist is a tricky thing....at first it feels refreshing, but if you stay out in it too long you get wet and then cold and fairly soon you can get chilled right down to the bone. When the wind is whipping down the Oregon coastline the last thing you want to do is be wet and stay outside in it. A body just can't sustain the cold for long without effect.

That's how 2010 felt for me...wet and cold and having to stay out in it....


BUT -

the time's are changing...and I am looking forward to a new year!!!

I asked Scott to read a Psalm over us this morning first thing and then we took communion as a family. We each prayed...Gabriel was just really enjoying dipping his Matzo cracker into his Blackberry Juice (hey - ya work with what ya got). Phineas said Jesus and mumbled something that seemed very profound for a 2 year old. Riley kept praying that "we would do what we need to do and go in the right direction" She also kept talking about Jesus in our hearts and all I can say to that is "Amen Sister, Amen!!!"

Really, this morning - us gathered together - was a big fat win! We spat into the wind and the mist and said you might have been blowing and spouting gale force on us, but we are turning our face into the wind and looking up - for our redeemer is coming and we will not quit. AND another thing.....we put on hope again!!!!!

January 1, 2001.
1.1.11

Did you know that the number 11 denotes transition? Look at John 11.11 where Jesus said:

"Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I go, so that I may awaken him out of sleep."

Transition from sleep into wake-fullness, dreams into reality, hoping into living.....

I like it!!!

now Jesus - help us to do what we need to do and go in the right direction. AMEN!

Some of my favorites

I think there are certain pictures that make you fall in love with someone again and again and this is certainly one of Riley. Her fish face is a perfect example of her precocious spirit.


It was the day after Christmas, the snow was piled up and we were out shoveling snow and throwing snowballs. Gabriel was having the time of his life. I took this with my new camera I had gotten from Scott for Christmas. It was one of my best pictures.


This picture of Phineas is stunning. His Aunt Julie captured it and I am not sure what she did to get the background, his shirt and his eyes to match, but it is great. I also love the sand on his cheek. He is such a boy and this captures the curls and his serious big eyes.

Graceful Exit's

"There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.'

It begins with the vision to recognize when a job,

a life stage,

or a relationship is over — and let it go.

It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity

or its past importance to our lives.

It involves a sense of future,

a belief that every exit line is an entry,

that we are moving up,

rather than out."

— Ellen Goodman

(thanks - lejardingirl)

The Grace of God

I don't have anything special to share or deep (thank the God Lord for that, because these last few post of mine have been a bit weighty), but that the Grace of God has been very near to me in the last day or so and it has been sweet.

Grief

Grief is a funny thing...everyone feels it differently and as much as we want to say "I get it" to another person - we really don't. Sure, most of us understand the steps of grief, the emotions of grief...the echo of grief, but we just can't walk in anyone else's shoes completely because we can't exchange their thoughts and their heart for ours.

Grief has many levels...there is the kind that takes your breath away and changes your life in a moment...death, terminal illness, but there is also the smaller griefs. The one's you will, most certainly, get through, but they still hurt. Saying goodbye can, at times, be like this for me. Maybe it is because I am cognizant that when you leave a place you can never go back and rearrange the players in the picture quite the same - you can only savor the moments played.

I have had to say goodbye a lot. Scott and I met overseas and have lived in 5 states since we have been married and moved some 25+ odd times. We have really been blessed to make friends wherever we go and we are just people who connect at a deep level with people. The upside is the depth of relationship, but the downside is saying goodbye.

I have learned to honor those times of change by recognizing that I can feel both grief and excitement all at the same time and to just give myself permission to feel the loss as deep as possible. It seems like it makes it easier to move into another type of emotions. Anticipation.

Sarah

Today, I am saying goodbye to a friend as she moves out of our home and into the next stage of her glorious journey in life. We met her 5 1/2 years ago, but it has only been in the last 2 that we have come together in partnership and ultimately in friendship. Our family needed a nanny and she was the answer. It was a mutual partnership. She would live in our apartment expense free in exchange for roughly 25 hours of childcare and what started as employment turned into something altogether sweeter.

Because of the nature of living in the same house we saw each other at our best and worst. No make-up, ugliest granny pj's, hair sticking out 5 inches after a rough night...it didn't matter - we always seem to have a genuine connect for one another. Something wholly unique happens when women live together in community. When they rub shoulders on a regular basis over children and dishes and tea and life and loss. When they cry together, pray together and say "it is going to be alright" to each other. When they turn the other's face toward the mirror and say "look beyond the tasks at hand and into the future; into your dreams".

I am very excited about the door she is walking through as she heads off to work on her Master's. I have no doubt she is going to be successful, but man alive, we will miss her!
Of course, we will stay connected. I have no doubt that she will be a lifelong family friend, but for now I am sad and grieving the loss of the mystery of this friendship in it's present state. I will miss the morning hello's and late night goodnight as she pops her head upstairs to share about some special thing that happened in her day. The prayers, the tears, the music, the dreams.

I always knew she would leave. That was a given. We talked about it from the start, before she even took the job. I remember saying "nannying is not the call on your life. This is just a season in which we can come together in mutual partnership. You love on our kids, we love on you." AND - she loved well.

This is my goodbye letter to her. I want it here in cyber-space, because there might be a time when life is difficult, a day when circumstances seem harder to deal with than normal and she is questioning herself, wondering if she was crazy to be where she is, doing what she is doing and I want her to be able to come here and be reminded that she is wonderful!. That God DOES have a plan and she is smack-dab in the middle of it. That there is a whole lotta love comin' her way!


August 13, 2010


Sarah –

Well – today is the day.
The final day of being our “nanny” (I still laugh at that title because it makes us sounds so posh and we know the truth about our humble surroundings ). Tomorrow you will pack your u-haul, drive away and this season will be over. We both know that although it is an ending, it is also a beginning. I say to you again my friend….THIS is only the beginning!!! And what the Lord started in you and around you will be completed, because we understand (even if we don’t fully understand) that He is faithful to ever plan and purpose. There are SO many exciting adventures, wonderful moments and glorious discoveries yet to come as the Lord draws you into the fulfillment of a dream that was way down deep inside of you, yet to be realized, and now being played out.

I have been encouraging you to take this step and am excited for what is ahead, but I have also been dreading this day in many ways because I know that it is the completion of a segment of time in my life that has been such a huge blessing. Your friendship has carried me through some days when I needed the tender love of the father to be tangible.

There will never be another Sara.
You are a unique and incredible woman and we have been blessed by you ! I am sure in ways we don't even get, but that is the beauty of good gifts....they keep giving in memories and love stored up deep in the heart. We have you stored up girl!

The other day I was looking at cards trying to find one for you and although some of them expressed snippets of what I wanted to say, they just seemed inadequate or only half done.

I want to say…

Thank You in 25 different languages.

Thanks for loving us. For flexibility, and grace. Thanks for long suffering. Thanks for sharing your heart. Thanks for camaraderie; friendship, faithfulness and loyalty. Thanks for the times you did your job even when you were sick, because you knew it would bless me. Thanks for your listening ear and your available heart. Thanks for being with our kids, for laughing with them, playing with them, reading to them, wiping their tushies (there’ve been many wipes ). Thanks for seemingly always being patient with them, for appreciating them. Thanks for being taken by their fascinatingly unique personalities.

Thanks for the hugs and the smiles. Thanks for asking how I was and then waiting to hear my heart. Thanks for even letting me ramble and lose my train of thought and than laugh with me when I had no idea why I made the point I made. Thanks for your perseverance in the Lord and your faithfulness to intercession. Thanks for your patience with change and for wanting to be with us even when it meant a sacrifice in your schedule. Thanks for the words and THE WORD. Thanks for the many, many, many times you prayed with me and went to bat in prayer for us. Thanks for your love and tenderness!

I WILL MISS YOU SARAH STROER. You will be missed by all of us – BUT most especially by me. I love you and am proud to call you my friend.

It will be strange to wake up on Monday and not hear your voice or see your face or feel a hug. This will take some getting used to, but we will and you will and the call of God will carry us into wonderful things. AND this friendship we have built will continue….regardless of where we are; there you will be, in our hearts and our memories. Regardless of where we are – you are welcome.

We look forward to the days ahead….hearing about the journey and the jobs and the relationships and the music and the relationships (oh..did I already say that????. We look forward to seeing you bloom even more.

Go BIG girl – or don’t go at all
Go big in your own, unique Sara way.
Mark the world some more with the colors in your hand!!
We know it is going to be a beautiful tapestry.

And down the road we will be together… standing side by side, arm in arm, looking at the weaving of our life’s and we will recognize skeins of each other in the pictures. This is how God does it. Nothing is lost and so much is gained. He is good that way. He is eternal that way. He calls things significant we label as minimal. He sees every stitch and He saw every thread that you sewed into us and He called it beautiful!!!!

Well done Sarah – you loved well and served well! Huge, huge, huge hugs from us!

Shalom, Shalom and Peace of God!

The Comfort of Women

Women have a wonderful camaraderie and comfort amongst themselves. There is nothing quite like it. Men cannot really achieve it in their relationship. I think men are capable of great depth in relationship, but they express it and experience it differently then women. Maybe it is the all the "cereberalness". Don't get me wrong...logic is needed. Logic is dependable, structured, foundational to sound thinking; but the emotions of the heart, the ability to express something from a deeper level which happens in a rich way between women is something to behold.

Women are the expression of the feminine side of God; not as an afterthought, but on purpose. Eve was not an answer to a mistake..."Woops", said God to Jesus and the Holy Spirit..."Adam is lonely, quick get your heads together and let's come up with a fix!!!"" Jesus says..."oh, oh (snap, snap of the fingers) what about a wo-man for the man? Similar, but different" Holy Spirit ponders "Wait...wait....YES!!!! By-jove that is brilliant Jesus! Wish I would have thought of it"

We all know it didn't go that way, but at times our society, our family and even our friends have treated women as a less then, or something to tolerate or deal with.

The Word of God indicates Eve was made out of a rib taken from Adams. Hebrew definition translate the word "rib" as "side". I like this better. Not because I am some Nazi feminist who swings around by her bra straps shouting "I am woman! Hear me roar". I like it because I think it gives a more accurate picture of what happened that day in the garden when God birthed Eve.

Imagine it...

THE God, came into the Garden, put the only man the world has known up to this point into some sort of sleep state and then took a side of him to make something similar, but wholly other than. When the creating was all said and done, God then decreed that in male AND female the world would see the fullness of the image of God and by HIS words set in to motion a principle that it would take looking at and knowing BOTH to see and experience the full expression of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Without man, our view of the trinity is lopsided and mis-adjusted. Without woman the view is also off balance, tilted and not complete. Just the man and we can get an overpowering amount of strength, boundaries & task oriented action (we also get a whole lot of honor, warrior courage and determination). We miss the more intuitive side of life; the depth of emotions is skewed. Nurturing, tenderness, long suffering, graciousness, quiet strength, fortitude, beauty and resilience get lost in translation. Without the feminine, I am not sure we could understand the layers that come with a statement like "Jesus Wept".

I don't want to paint a picture of woman as weak and full of emotional mumbo jumbo. She is far from that. Any wise man knows that to understand a women he will have to spend YEARS digging diligently at the layers and if he persists there are treasures to be found inside her and he is all the richer for having found it. Any wise man knows that to dig until he finds the treasures GETS to be his delight...that it is a gift to know woman, because in doing so He can know God more.

To know women is to know mystery and taste beauty. Women are also warriors and fighters - they just carry that in a different way. They are God's answer to Adam's cry of loneliness, but more so they are God's answer to the whole earth's travail to understand just a bit more of the fullness of the Glory of God.

Women are partners of equity. Maybe not equal in skill or strength, but most certainly in value. They are Adam's ezer kenigdo; man's help meet. This does not mean that they are the perfect cloth folders or dishwashers or kid tenders. It means they are equal to the task given to man, by God in Genesis, to rule and subdue the earth.

Adam was the first human created in the Garden, but Eve was the last and she was a Glorious crescendo. God ended creation with woman. She was the crowning jewel, the apex, the final part of a masterpiece and then God said ...now ..."it is good".

Wow!!! That year flew

I am laughing!

I knew it had been "a while" since I had posted anything on my blog, BUT I am a bit surprised myself that it has been a year.

A crazy, wild, painful and glorious year. Well - honestly - it doesn't feel like anything really glorious happened. Mainly, just life.

The kids grew up - I regressed. (smile)
Carpets got cleaned and then were dirty (way too quickly)
The garage was organized (mostly) and then got messy
Ideas were tossed out and some tossed away.

If I were to title this year it might be "Feeling betrayal, experiencing loss and finding myself".

* Confusion in friendship - some resulting in going deeper in a most precious way, some resulting in feeling betrayed by what you thought you perceived.
* Sorting through a house and selling most of the stuff in that house for some dear friends who had left for South Africa and are not returning.
* Watching my father move closer to death due to lung cancer and farther away from the Lord due to choice.
* Lack of integrity in some business dealings with some fellow brothers and sisters in Christ that never got resolved in the right way.
*A major stab in the back from someone who worked with us in our business. Knowing that it was out of his own childhood wounding and so trying to give grace, but feeling like our tails were really far out in the wind.
* Still having no contact with my only sibling who, because of my relationship with Christ, cannot seem to be in relationship with me.
*Watching one of my best friends walk through death and loss herself and not be able to be near her and feel her pull away to try to cope.

Some of the feeling and finding has just been a part of the ebb and flow of life lived in a broken world. Some because of realistic expectations dashed, but ultimately, I am discovering that the deepest pain, the greatest betrayal I have felt, has been by my own hand, my own heart as I have reached out for dreams and come up a bit empty.

I am not even sure how to articulate it well.

I think I am just starting to walk around everything I am weakly expressing. I am trying to give myself space to feel the pain in such a way that it propels me to look deeper into myself. I want to do it without obsessing about it. I want to explore with honesty and integrity without finger pointing or blame shifting, yet also give myself the freedom to admit that people fail us. We fail each other. I want to discover wisdom and use it to walk away from some old habits, old cycles, old thoughts AND use it to walk into greater things.

I know...I am talking all mystical and vague. Partially because I want to process, but I want to protect. Partially because the details don't matter, it is where I end up in my heart that will mark me.

I have a raw idea. When we feel betrayal or rejection by another it is either because:

a.) we got completely bamboozled by someone who was really good at snookering people. Usually this entails tangling ourselves up with a narcissistic personality. (a part of my experience this year)

b. ) we kept giving "that person" or "that situation" the benefit of the doubt and never confronted (really...who LIKES confrontation? ). Fairly quickly the quirks or hairball oddities, or sins, that were not healthy, became the norm. There comes a point where we either say "What is the use with saying anything...I have lived with it for this long. Why bother" and in doing so condone a thing into acceptance in our silence.

c.) ultimately - the real betrayal TOWARD us is usually felt because it is allowed, BY us. In essence, we betray ourselves. Swirling around inside of our souls are tipping points. Moments where we made a choice to adjust in order to be around a certain person. The adjustments were not wrong....we all make small changes in relationships to accommodate personality, quirks, likes, dislikes....This is normal. I am talking about the changes we made that went in direct conflict against what we hold to be true, loving or genuine. What is not healthy is knowing down in your gut that the way a person is undervaluing you has become a common theme in your interactions. What is not healthy is involving yourself in more of a word based relationship then action based....they say they value you really well, but they do not show it....the use of the word friend is strong, but the priority of being a friend is low. What is not healthy is when the value scale is unbalanced...when there is always a reason or excuse for why they can't be healthy. I find myself here and frankly...it is awkward and painful.

Maybe, maybe, maybe....maybe if you find yourself here.

Maybe I will write more about the problem with finding yourself after you have taken a sabbatical from some of the truer parts of you.

OR, maybe I won't write for another year.
Maybe...because it is too raw or too real.

Reality is - A LOT of wonderful and good and poignantly beautiful things happened in the last year. Things I am grateful for. Events I wouldn't trade. People I hold close to the heart.

I do remember those!

The Low Down in Bullet points

I feel like I have been behind the 8 ball when it comes to keeping up with the stuff of life (like paperwork, blogging, laundry, making proper meals for my family) but here is the scoop....

• Potty training Riley (we had a relapse when dear Phineas came on the scene and are coming out of a long recovery mode. I think I was recovering as much as Riley. Thanks to my mom who was here for a week and determined to get her granddaughter back on her potty game.
• Dealing with broken down cars....we are in desperate need of a work truck. Ours leaks power steering fluid like a sieve, you have to push it to start it, etc. etc. etc.
• 2 Weeks of various "Inner Healing" type training.
• My sweet G is starting 1st grade....proud, concerned...will he be challenged enough? obedient enough? cool enough? uncool enough.....
• Having my kitchen overtaken by Kombucha mothers, Caspian Sea Yogurt and Kefir and some sort of KimChee veggie. Scott is all about the fermented stuff and I think he needs his own special little kitchen complete with sink, stove top and fridge.
  
• Lot's of yard work...new beds, bamboo, play area complete with huge sandbox and special kiddie mulch.
• Healing from a 2nd degree burn on the chest and tummy from a tea spill at Starbucks.
  
• Falling in love more and more with my children.
  
• Vigilantly protecting my date night with Scooter
• Thinking about old friends...the ones that got away because of time or offense.
  
• Sorting our garage - not an easy task with all those tools, etc.
  
• Dreaming of the ocean (always dreaming)
• Praying for those lost in my family with a new sense of urgency and grief over the ramifications of their choices thus far.
  
• Figuring out what I actually like to do in my spare time.
  
• Sorting kids clothes since they grow like weeds.
  
• Correcting my children for the umpteenth time
• Thankful for air conditioning and electricity.
• Had a garage sale with a friend.
• Went to Montana to visit one of my best friends and then met my mom there for a visit.
  
• Planning to exercise :)
  
• Off of coffee for 6 months.
  
• Craving ice cream
• Doing a lot of laundry.
  
• Cleaned my utility Room
  

The Storm & The Dream

A few days ago I had a dream...

My family was on the ground being covered up by a huge canopy/tent like thing. In the dream....I said...oh this is the Kabod of God.

Kabod (Hebrew) - the glory, "weight", or power of God.

I don't usually spout out Hebraic words, in dreams or awake, so it would not be normal for me to surmise, in the dream, that this was the Kabod of God . There were many bodies under the canopy and my family was on the outskirts watching the final portion of the tent being folded over us and being tucked under.


Last night there was a mother of a storm over our house. Full of the kind of thunder & lightning that rattles windows. The kind where it feels like the eye of the storm is directly above you. It makes you feel small and a bit powerless. When I awoke I immediately thought about the kabod being around us and I felt safe. I also was thinking about the earthquakes and thunderings Revelations refers to and how much more intense those shaking will be.

They are coming soon and those who are not living under the Kabod of God will be living in a volatile world.

The Basket.

We have a basket in our house full of rocks and shells. Stuff we have collected from various trips. It is our little stockpile of memories.

Some have names written on them like; Masada. We grabbed up at the top after a long walk up.
Some have nothing written on them, but have been given a name; such as a rock the size of my fist that looks a bit like a women's bodice. She is dubbed "Mother Love" because of her shape. We found that rock in the middle of a Wyoming field with our friends Nyla and Lynnea. The details are fuzzy, but I do remember walking single file through a dirt field because we were trying to get to an eagles nest and Scott got us to believe some sort of nonsense that if we walked in a single file line the eagles might not realize four people were encroaching on them? I still laugh about it.

There are shells and agates from the Oregon Coast, polished stones from a family member, a rock from our honeymoon in Hawaii, a smooth river stone which turns a turquoise color in water from some trip through Idaho.

The basket holds reminders of some of our best times together. The ones when we were able to slow down, listen and love easier. Times when we were quickly reminded of why we choose each other, why we choose a family, why we said yes to God.

Garage Sale

Garage Sales have been good to me over the years.....I love browsing and buying, but holding my own is akin to having bamboo shoots shoved into my nail beds. They just take a stinking lot of work. Sorting, pricing, setting up, breaking down, selling, bartering. UGH!

A friend of mine mentioned she was having a garage sale and I knew this was my golden moment. I politely asked if I could crash the party and join. Her place is a better locale, she is uber fun to hang with and there will be tasty snacks which always makes the day smoother.

Just think...I can make money on my junk so I can go and buy someone Else's junk!

If you need a good laugh...

Need to laugh? I double dog dare you to check out this site and see if you can get through a few pages without chuckling a bit.


http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

A little glimmer of Heaven

One of the many kisses of heaven will be relationship -

We have all run across people that are nothing short of great. There is that mutual spark indicating; hey...I might really like this person ...they are so ____________(fill in the blank)

creative
energetic
life-giving
courageous
honorable
unique
funny
though-provoking
all out brilliant

The reality of life is that there is little time to really foster multiple relationships at deep levels. After the hours subtracted for sleeping, eating, cleaning, working, family and present friends I find there is not a lot left over.

There will be no shortage of time in Heaven.

We will get to KNOW each other IN perfection for...eternity. We will get to experience our parents, siblings, friends or co-workers as they were created in the beginning. The levels will be astonishing because the depth will be longer and wider and there will be no fear in the midst of perfect love. Think of relationship without fear of rejection, fear of failure or mistrust.

It really is unfathomable to grasp with my fallen mind, but I feel the glimmer of hope that some day I will not only be fully known and loved, but be able to fully know and love.

This is good!

Something Old

Our sweet Phin. Makes one want to have another baby......egads - WHO just said that.

Riley - back when she was small enough to play in the sink. She still thinks she is. Many days I find her standing in the bathroom sink washing her feet. She loves soap.

One of my favorites of Gabriel and Daddy.

This is an old photo - pre-Phineas days. That was a great day at the park - although Riley does not look like she is having fun!

I am becoming...

I am becoming....

I am not sure what it is, but I can feel my soul stretching and frankly...it's a painful process.

It is full of denying m self so I can find myself. One of the many quagmires of the gospel.

I don't think I have really been a person who has a difficult time setting boundaries and saying no, but I am smack dab in the middle of a NO season. I KNOW that I am supposed to say NO more than Yes. For how long? I don't know....see....it's sticky, but not really.

I've had moments in the last month where I have been busy rushing trying to get stuff done and the stuff is clashing with the family. It is difficult because sometimes the stuff is important...I made a commitment and I have a deadline kind of important.

I already feel the normal pressure most moms feel juggling babies, small kiddos, a house, a business, friends, a life, etc. but I really feel it as my kids are wanting to be held and dinner is on and the contract has to be typed and the ad has to be place and, and, and.....

so the no's are good.

They are making me slow down and as I look around and take stock of my house, my life, my zone... I see that it has been somewhat neglected. (along with my heart) because of I have been too busy juggling the yes's of my life to actually really listen to the thing that matter when it comes to agreements....agreements of the spirit and the heart.


So the no's are good....because I am wrapping up or finishing many yes's and then trying to learn to just shut it.....my mouth I mean.

I'll see how the test goes......because I think it is a test and there is a greater good inside my heart.....I am learning to listen a little bit deeper and look a little bit harder at my motivations. Why I say do what I do.

ahhh....the tasty succulents in life

I LIKE THESE:

Very cool vertical gardens Flora Grubb Gardens and a nice interview of her on Design*Sponge.

Got a sweet forward from my friend, Heather. There were a lot of beautiful flowers in the email, which made me think of our backyard and all the B-I-G yard projects we have slotted on the ever growing "To do" list. Thinking of the backyard made me look out the window and I saw the sunlight and heard birds chirping and this....ALL this ...gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling of enjoyment.

In the email were a list of suggestions about taking life slower and fight for the deeper and true meanings in life. How about I just share the ones that seemed to hit me....

1. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
2. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut).
3. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good 'Thank you Jesus ....'
5. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
6 Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.

I want....

I can feel my heart today. I know that sounds strange and the description is lacking mainly because I am not sure I have appropriate words to describe the terrain of the heart, but I had a moment today where I was actually just listening to my insides and I could feel...wanting.