Wow!!! That year flew

I am laughing!

I knew it had been "a while" since I had posted anything on my blog, BUT I am a bit surprised myself that it has been a year.

A crazy, wild, painful and glorious year. Well - honestly - it doesn't feel like anything really glorious happened. Mainly, just life.

The kids grew up - I regressed. (smile)
Carpets got cleaned and then were dirty (way too quickly)
The garage was organized (mostly) and then got messy
Ideas were tossed out and some tossed away.

If I were to title this year it might be "Feeling betrayal, experiencing loss and finding myself".

* Confusion in friendship - some resulting in going deeper in a most precious way, some resulting in feeling betrayed by what you thought you perceived.
* Sorting through a house and selling most of the stuff in that house for some dear friends who had left for South Africa and are not returning.
* Watching my father move closer to death due to lung cancer and farther away from the Lord due to choice.
* Lack of integrity in some business dealings with some fellow brothers and sisters in Christ that never got resolved in the right way.
*A major stab in the back from someone who worked with us in our business. Knowing that it was out of his own childhood wounding and so trying to give grace, but feeling like our tails were really far out in the wind.
* Still having no contact with my only sibling who, because of my relationship with Christ, cannot seem to be in relationship with me.
*Watching one of my best friends walk through death and loss herself and not be able to be near her and feel her pull away to try to cope.

Some of the feeling and finding has just been a part of the ebb and flow of life lived in a broken world. Some because of realistic expectations dashed, but ultimately, I am discovering that the deepest pain, the greatest betrayal I have felt, has been by my own hand, my own heart as I have reached out for dreams and come up a bit empty.

I am not even sure how to articulate it well.

I think I am just starting to walk around everything I am weakly expressing. I am trying to give myself space to feel the pain in such a way that it propels me to look deeper into myself. I want to do it without obsessing about it. I want to explore with honesty and integrity without finger pointing or blame shifting, yet also give myself the freedom to admit that people fail us. We fail each other. I want to discover wisdom and use it to walk away from some old habits, old cycles, old thoughts AND use it to walk into greater things.

I know...I am talking all mystical and vague. Partially because I want to process, but I want to protect. Partially because the details don't matter, it is where I end up in my heart that will mark me.

I have a raw idea. When we feel betrayal or rejection by another it is either because:

a.) we got completely bamboozled by someone who was really good at snookering people. Usually this entails tangling ourselves up with a narcissistic personality. (a part of my experience this year)

b. ) we kept giving "that person" or "that situation" the benefit of the doubt and never confronted (really...who LIKES confrontation? ). Fairly quickly the quirks or hairball oddities, or sins, that were not healthy, became the norm. There comes a point where we either say "What is the use with saying anything...I have lived with it for this long. Why bother" and in doing so condone a thing into acceptance in our silence.

c.) ultimately - the real betrayal TOWARD us is usually felt because it is allowed, BY us. In essence, we betray ourselves. Swirling around inside of our souls are tipping points. Moments where we made a choice to adjust in order to be around a certain person. The adjustments were not wrong....we all make small changes in relationships to accommodate personality, quirks, likes, dislikes....This is normal. I am talking about the changes we made that went in direct conflict against what we hold to be true, loving or genuine. What is not healthy is knowing down in your gut that the way a person is undervaluing you has become a common theme in your interactions. What is not healthy is involving yourself in more of a word based relationship then action based....they say they value you really well, but they do not show it....the use of the word friend is strong, but the priority of being a friend is low. What is not healthy is when the value scale is unbalanced...when there is always a reason or excuse for why they can't be healthy. I find myself here and frankly...it is awkward and painful.

Maybe, maybe, maybe....maybe if you find yourself here.

Maybe I will write more about the problem with finding yourself after you have taken a sabbatical from some of the truer parts of you.

OR, maybe I won't write for another year.
Maybe...because it is too raw or too real.

Reality is - A LOT of wonderful and good and poignantly beautiful things happened in the last year. Things I am grateful for. Events I wouldn't trade. People I hold close to the heart.

I do remember those!

Inga

Do you have those types of friends you could sit down with for hours talking and still have more to say?

The ones you are eager to share the vulnerable side of your heart with because you want them to know you and you can trust them to safely & nobly hold you even with all your wounds and weaknesses?

Friends you can laugh with one moment and cry with the next and it's real and normal?

I met Inga in Kansas City. Our mutual friend Leeza was always encouraging us to meet because she thought we'd get along smashingly, but it was not until after Leeza moved back to South Africa that Inga and I connected. I can't remember the day, but I remember thinking...wow, I'd like to be friends with this person.

Recently Inga and her precious family moved back to South Africa and I've been surprised to discover how lonely I've felt over her absence. She touched something in me at a deep level and I think maybe I became more in her presence.

Inga likes to keep busy and is a social connector. We led a woman's bible study together and walked through the book Captivating by Jon and Staci Eldridge. She kept saying "Let's only let x # of people into the group, but just about every week of the first month there were new faces she'd invited. I'd laugh knowing that she so values connection and community that she just couldn't help herself.

People are drawn to Inga like fireflies to light. This really is not an exaggeration. She carries light inside of her - I know it is the light of Jesus Christ and although some could not necessarily name the source they are hungry for a taste of whatever it is. Inga has a natural and un-dominating authority about her that says it is safe to share, but there's going to be no nonsense about calling out the truth. She's sympathizing with you one minute and then subtly slipping in the truth above the pain. It's is just a given if you are going to tell your story she is likely going to help you rewrite the wounded parts.

We each have 3 younger children and the Raw's are a family you call up 30 minutes before the hour and say "hey come on over and grill" and they're actually game for the party. We'd let the kids tear it up in the back yard, acting like LOUD and crazy monkeys without having to apologize because Hannah smacked Gabriel or Gabriel shoved Isaac. It was real life lived in real time and I never felt like I had to apologize if it was raw, full of snotty noses or even silly.

Inga is intentional and unafraid of giving time to see others walk victorious. In a battle, she'd be fierce and I'd choose to fight along her side most any day; we may both be quaking in our boots, but I'd count on her to draw her sword and swing to the end.

We need Marvelous Comrades in our life's and I am blessed to have several.

I just happen to be highlighting Inga because my heart is missing her.

I miss rummaging through her kitchen cupboards for little snacks and tea which always tasted better because it was at her house.

I miss talking. When it felt like I had come to the end of my rope Inga would be one of those who'd talk me straight.

I miss the laughter.

I even miss the tears.

I drive by her house and even after I've passed I find myself glancing in the rear view mirror at the mosaic lamppost out front because I've been indelibly marked by the light which came from that house.

Friendship...it is a beautiful thing.