I am becoming...

I am becoming....

I am not sure what it is, but I can feel my soul stretching and frankly...it's a painful process.

It is full of denying m self so I can find myself. One of the many quagmires of the gospel.

I don't think I have really been a person who has a difficult time setting boundaries and saying no, but I am smack dab in the middle of a NO season. I KNOW that I am supposed to say NO more than Yes. For how long? I don't know....see....it's sticky, but not really.

I've had moments in the last month where I have been busy rushing trying to get stuff done and the stuff is clashing with the family. It is difficult because sometimes the stuff is important...I made a commitment and I have a deadline kind of important.

I already feel the normal pressure most moms feel juggling babies, small kiddos, a house, a business, friends, a life, etc. but I really feel it as my kids are wanting to be held and dinner is on and the contract has to be typed and the ad has to be place and, and, and.....

so the no's are good.

They are making me slow down and as I look around and take stock of my house, my life, my zone... I see that it has been somewhat neglected. (along with my heart) because of I have been too busy juggling the yes's of my life to actually really listen to the thing that matter when it comes to agreements....agreements of the spirit and the heart.


So the no's are good....because I am wrapping up or finishing many yes's and then trying to learn to just shut it.....my mouth I mean.

I'll see how the test goes......because I think it is a test and there is a greater good inside my heart.....I am learning to listen a little bit deeper and look a little bit harder at my motivations. Why I say do what I do.

Capturing Hearts

There are times were my house stays clean for several days in row and I feel like Rocky Balboa at the top of the steps (absolutely recognizing that little analogy is going to date me).

Laundry is done, fresh sheets are on the bed, toilets sparkle, kiddos faces and bottoms are clean, leftovers are actually IN the fridge and the sweet, melodious sound of the dishwasher hums. It's like a bam, and double bam, I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan kind of moment. When these little bits of glory happen I relish in how well the day was juggled. It makes me breath easy when my head hits the pillow, but I am aware that when I rise the cycle will begin again.

I have MANY years left of motherhood and at 40 that can be a bit daunting if I let it. It takes energy to parent. To put it into perspective, I'm going to be 61 when my littlest turns 20 and sometimes I feel like my uumph has run away, but I usually finding it hiding in some corner, give it a little pep talk and send it back out in the game.

When I was little I thought adults were plumb crazy reminiscing about time moving fast, but I get it now and even though I can't see the finish line to this segment of my mom assignment, I know the end is going to make an appearance just on the horizon in about 2 minutes.

I find even now that I will be doing some everyday thing with one of my children and have that kind of moment where everything slows down and I am aware "this will never come again"; holding Phin to give him a bottle, Riley's sweet toddler talk, Gabriel cooking up some "recipe" in the kitchen. Present moments that in seconds are gone and counted as part of the past.

I'm learning to let go of the house being tidy, clothes needing to be folded a certain way, dishes being in the "right" order. Those who have seen my office would say I have truly thrown the baby out with the bath water I have "let go" so much.

I am learning that with 3 young children I just won't get to tick off 10 things on my to do list; 3 is a success.

I am learning that being the kind of mom I see in my mind is a daily decision to live in the present and sometimes - many times - I have failed and am going to fail. Yet the capacity of children and mommies to love is a deep and mysterious thing all wrapped up in the heart of God and as I learn more about that heart - I am able to parent stronger.

I am learning that what I want more than perfection is satisfaction that I have gotten down on my kids level and reached in and touched their hearts at some point during my day.

I am learning that captured moments mean captured hearts and that's what love is all about.