Sassafras Lemongrass

C.S. Lewis on love & pain

2011-01-07T07:33:00.000-08:00

There is all kinds of pain.

Physical, emotional, phantom, acute, mental. Pangs of the hearts, ailments of the body, anguish of the mind, imagined pain, aggravated pain, pains in the butt. Pain is a fact of life. It can involve physical suffering, psychological hurt, social rejection or material deprivation. Loneliness, criticism, unemployment, breakdown, failure, divorce, persecution and bereavement, physical illness all tend to bring pain in their wake.

People say there can be false pain, but I am still not sure about that. For sure, there are hypochondriacs who imagine or create pain where it does not really exist, but it really is just wounding coming out in a different direction. Still pain to me.

Whether we describe what we are feeling as an irritant, discomfort, distress, anguish, anxiety, travail, loss, suffering, bother, vexation, weariness...it all really boils down to pain and it is common to man. We ALL feel pain of various sorts. We ALL have things in our lives we wish would change, we could be relieved of or wish we could have a "do-over" on.

Physically, pain can be a gift when it triggers us to know that something in our body needs attention. (The absence of pain is one of the problems associated with leprosy). At the same time, sometimes a good gift can turn bad with illness and disease.

Pain, for many, is the main obstacle in believing in God as so many grapple with the place and cause of suffering around them. As sin abounds much, suffering grows and one real look at local and world news can be enough to deflate the hope of even the greatest optimist if that hope is not grounded in the Lord. A part of the reason for the narcissism of this "me" generation is an attempt to escape pain and sin.

C.S Lewis had some things to say about pain and Robert Banks in a 2006 talk at a Moore College theological conference summed some of Lewis' words as follows:

According to Lewis, the problem of pain in its simplest form is as follows: “If God were good, he would wish to make his creatures perfectly happy, and if God were almighty he would be able to do what he wished. But the creatures are not happy. Therefore God lacks either the goodness, or power, or both”. To answer this, he says, we need to look more closely at erroneous assumptions built into the words “all-powerful” and “good” when ascribed to God.

The “all-powerfulness” of God is often taken to mean that God can do anything. But, says Lewis, he cannot do what is against his nature or choice. For example, even God cannot make 2+2 anything other than 4. Having made the world to work in certain consistent ways, like the force of gravity, he does not arbitrarily change these whenever potential harm rears its head. Though this does not rule out what we call miracles, if God kept changing the way things normally operate in the world, it would be impossible for us to rise to genuine challenges or act with real responsibly within it.

Unfortunately, fashioning such a reliable world opens up the possibility of people hurting each other in various ways. We might be able to conceive of a world in which God would correct every overstepping of a risk or abuse of the free will through constantly intervening in our affairs. However, such short-circuiting of all harmful actions and evil intentions would involve the destruction of human responsibility and freedom. http://www.cslewistoday.com/blog/the-problem-of-pain

Here are my less eloquent thoughts:

1. When we choose love in the midst of pain, we choose God. Love at every level (affection, friendship, erotic love, and the love of God.) will cause pain if we really invest ourselves in it. As Christians there is a redemption we get in being covered by the blood of a man / lamb who paid for our sins, but that redemption is something we wear on earth as humans who have free will. And in this broken place; we hurt and we hurt people.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." C.S. Lewis

"Try to exclude the possibility of suffering which the order of nature and the existence of free-wills involve, and you find that you have excluded life itself. --The Problem of Pain

2. Love realizes that for every sin done against self, self has sinned against another. Love does not excuse sin, but covers over it. Will I love when the feeling of love has been wounded? Will I choose the "greatest of these" emotions? Love carries a multitude of sins, covers a multitude. Love forgives wide and Love forgives deep.

"At this very moment you and I are either committing [selfishness], or about to commit it, or repenting it." --The Problem of Pain

"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained” --Answers to Questions on Christianity

“We are all fallen creatures and all very hard to live with”-- C.s. Lewis

3. Saying yes to God's kind of love meant we no longer get to choose when we give it out.

“I do not believe one can settle how much we ought to give. I am afraid the only safe rule is to give more than we can spare.” --C. S. Lewis.

"God, who foresaw your tribulation, has specially armed you to go through it, not without pain but without stain" --C. S. Lewis.

4. Perfect love casts out fear and love is the only antidote to grief and fear.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” C.S. Lewis

"The heart never takes the place of the head: but it can, and should, obey it."--The Abolition of Man

5. Love and faith and belief are a choice. It is a part of daily picking up our cross. I once read that Biblical verse as likened to a boat pushing off of the dock and going out to sea. In order to move out and on, we have to untie from what kept us. It is called casting off and a part of choosing is casting off.

"Relying on God has to begin all over again every day as if nothing had yet been done..." --from a letter "To Mrs. L."

6. It is in the "not so great moments" that the best or worst of who we are arises...

"Everyone feels benevolent if nothing happens to be annoying him at the moment."--The Problem of Pain

7. Love as we experience it, is but a mere shadow of the real thing. Most of the time we are hard-pressed to put our best moments of love and our worst moments of pain into words because it limits the experience and mere words do not do justice to the feelings. The only one who can truly experience the fullness of what we feel is Jesus. He was a man ACQUAINTED WITH, thus - he is the only one wholly able to carry me, intercede for me and identify with me.

"Pure, spiritual, intellectual love shot fromm their faces like barbed lightning. It was so unlike the love we experience that its expression could easily be mistaken for ferocity." --Perelandra

8. IN the END.....The word “pain” or some form of it appears over 70 times in Scripture. Jesus felt pain for our sake (Isaiah 53: 3-5) and somehow - when we stand with Jesus - we can rejoice in pain and consider our trials with joy because of what it will work in us. (James 1:2-3, Romans 5). And for all my words their is THE word and it declares that in the end:

"...God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away. And he that sat upon the throne said, Behold, I make all things new. And he said unto me, Write: for these words are true and faithful." Revelation 22:4-5

Help us do what we need to do....

2011-01-01T20:00:00.000-08:00

HOLY MOSES!!!

Today is 1-1-11 and I cannot believe how quickly the year has passed. My mama was right all those years ago when she cautioned me to live full because time moves quickly as you get older.

I woke up this morning with a sense of hope in my heart and it was such a welcome sensation! 2010 was a tough year on many fronts for our family. It felt like we put our nose to the grindstone and plowed; trusting (barely at times) that our fields would look different down the road. Seems that the spiritual opposition toward us making ANY stride forward has been fierce. I can mark MANY times in the last year where Scott and I have pulled up our bootstraps to rally in prayer "yet again" and within hours something crazy is happening...kids screaming in their sleep, sickness coming on suddenly, irrational craziness, impending sense of darkness and hopelessness, fighting when you are not sure what you are fighting for, business failure and betrayal we were not ready for, etc.

Sometimes I have been able to remind myself..."well, we must be doing something right if there is this much warfare", but truthfully as the year grew, I also grew...more frustrated, more hopeless, weaker, more tired.

If I were to describe it in a picture it would be something like this....

There is a seawall in Depoe Bay, Oregon right next to Highway 101; which winds down the coast. (the highway, not the seawall) It is a stunning drive full of hairpin turns, incredible vistas, quaint seaside towns and whole lot of memories. One of those "memory" spots is the Depoe Bay seawall which divides the ocean from what some say is the world's smallest navigable harbor. It also divides the town from the ocean. Depoe Bay does not have a stoplight and if you sneezed you might miss the seawall, but because I grew up on that coastline I am very familiar with the highway. Oftentimes, my family would stop on our way to somewhere or back from somewhere to take a gander at the seawall...it was a great place to see the resident pod of whales that stay in the area much of the year. Sea mist hangs around and spray from the waves hiting the wall. There are also these things called spouting horns that shoot geysers of sea water up through blow holes located at the base of the sea wall during storms and heavy surf. Sometimes the geysers shoot up over the seawall and across the highway.

Mist is a tricky thing....at first it feels refreshing, but if you stay out in it too long you get wet and then cold and fairly soon you can get chilled right down to the bone. When the wind is whipping down the Oregon coastline the last thing you want to do is be wet and stay outside in it. A body just can't sustain the cold for long without effect.

That's how 2010 felt for me...wet and cold and having to stay out in it....

BUT -

the time's are changing...and I am looking forward to a new year!!!

I asked Scott to read a Psalm over us this morning first thing and then we took communion as a family. We each prayed...Gabriel was just really enjoying dipping his Matzo cracker into his Blackberry Juice (hey - ya work with what ya got). Phineas said Jesus and mumbled something that seemed very profound for a 2 year old. Riley kept praying that "we would do what we need to do and go in the right direction" She also kept talking about Jesus in our hearts and all I can say to that is "Amen Sister, Amen!!!"

Really, this morning - us gathered together - was a big fat win! We spat into the wind and the mist and said you might have been blowing and spouting gale force on us, but we are turning our face into the wind and looking up - for our redeemer is coming and we will not quit. AND another thing.....we put on hope again!!!!!

January 1, 2001.
1.1.11

Did you know that the number 11 denotes transition? Look at John 11.11 where Jesus said:

"Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep; but I go, so that I may awaken him out of sleep."

Transition from sleep into wake-fullness, dreams into reality, hoping into living.....

I like it!!!

now Jesus - help us to do what we need to do and go in the right direction. AMEN!

Some of my favorites

2010-09-09T14:07:00.000-07:00

I think there are certain pictures that make you fall in love with someone again and again and this is certainly one of Riley. Her fish face is a perfect example of her precocious spirit.

It was the day after Christmas, the snow was piled up and we were out shoveling snow and throwing snowballs. Gabriel was having the time of his life. I took this with my new camera I had gotten from Scott for Christmas. It was one of my best pictures.

This picture of Phineas is stunning. His Aunt Julie captured it and I am not sure what she did to get the background, his shirt and his eyes to match, but it is great. I also love the sand on his cheek. He is such a boy and this captures the curls and his serious big eyes.

Graceful Exit's

2010-08-29T07:48:00.000-07:00

"There’s a trick to the 'graceful exit.'

It begins with the vision to recognize when a job,

a life stage,

or a relationship is over — and let it go.

It means leaving what’s over without denying its validity

or its past importance to our lives.

It involves a sense of future,

a belief that every exit line is an entry,

that we are moving up,

rather than out."

— Ellen Goodman

(thanks - lejardingirl)

The Grace of God

2010-08-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

I don't have anything special to share or deep (thank the God Lord for that, because these last few post of mine have been a bit weighty), but that the Grace of God has been very near to me in the last day or so and it has been sweet.

Grief

2010-08-15T16:00:00.000-07:00

Grief is a funny thing...everyone feels it differently and as much as we want to say "I get it" to another person - we really don't. Sure, most of us understand the steps of grief, the emotions of grief...the echo of grief, but we just can't walk in anyone else's shoes completely because we can't exchange their thoughts and their heart for ours.

Grief has many levels...there is the kind that takes your breath away and changes your life in a moment...death, terminal illness, but there is also the smaller griefs. The one's you will, most certainly, get through, but they still hurt. Saying goodbye can, at times, be like this for me. Maybe it is because I am cognizant that when you leave a place you can never go back and rearrange the players in the picture quite the same - you can only savor the moments played.

I have had to say goodbye a lot. Scott and I met overseas and have lived in 5 states since we have been married and moved some 25+ odd times. We have really been blessed to make friends wherever we go and we are just people who connect at a deep level with people. The upside is the depth of relationship, but the downside is saying goodbye.

I have learned to honor those times of change by recognizing that I can feel both grief and excitement all at the same time and to just give myself permission to feel the loss as deep as possible. It seems like it makes it easier to move into another type of emotions. Anticipation.

Sarah

2010-08-14T06:55:00.000-07:00

Today, I am saying goodbye to a friend as she moves out of our home and into the next stage of her glorious journey in life. We met her 5 1/2 years ago, but it has only been in the last 2 that we have come together in partnership and ultimately in friendship. Our family needed a nanny and she was the answer. It was a mutual partnership. She would live in our apartment expense free in exchange for roughly 25 hours of childcare and what started as employment turned into something altogether sweeter.

Because of the nature of living in the same house we saw each other at our best and worst. No make-up, ugliest granny pj's, hair sticking out 5 inches after a rough night...it didn't matter - we always seem to have a genuine connect for one another. Something wholly unique happens when women live together in community. When they rub shoulders on a regular basis over children and dishes and tea and life and loss. When they cry together, pray together and say "it is going to be alright" to each other. When they turn the other's face toward the mirror and say "look beyond the tasks at hand and into the future; into your dreams".

I am very excited about the door she is walking through as she heads off to work on her Master's. I have no doubt she is going to be successful, but man alive, we will miss her!
Of course, we will stay connected. I have no doubt that she will be a lifelong family friend, but for now I am sad and grieving the loss of the mystery of this friendship in it's present state. I will miss the morning hello's and late night goodnight as she pops her head upstairs to share about some special thing that happened in her day. The prayers, the tears, the music, the dreams.

I always knew she would leave. That was a given. We talked about it from the start, before she even took the job. I remember saying "nannying is not the call on your life. This is just a season in which we can come together in mutual partnership. You love on our kids, we love on you." AND - she loved well.

This is my goodbye letter to her. I want it here in cyber-space, because there might be a time when life is difficult, a day when circumstances seem harder to deal with than normal and she is questioning herself, wondering if she was crazy to be where she is, doing what she is doing and I want her to be able to come here and be reminded that she is wonderful!. That God DOES have a plan and she is smack-dab in the middle of it. That there is a whole lotta love comin' her way!

August 13, 2010

Sarah –

Well – today is the day.
The final day of being our “nanny” (I still laugh at that title because it makes us sounds so posh and we know the truth about our humble surroundings ). Tomorrow you will pack your u-haul, drive away and this season will be over. We both know that although it is an ending, it is also a beginning. I say to you again my friend….THIS is only the beginning!!! And what the Lord started in you and around you will be completed, because we understand (even if we don’t fully understand) that He is faithful to ever plan and purpose. There are SO many exciting adventures, wonderful moments and glorious discoveries yet to come as the Lord draws you into the fulfillment of a dream that was way down deep inside of you, yet to be realized, and now being played out.

I have been encouraging you to take this step and am excited for what is ahead, but I have also been dreading this day in many ways because I know that it is the completion of a segment of time in my life that has been such a huge blessing. Your friendship has carried me through some days when I needed the tender love of the father to be tangible.

There will never be another Sara.
You are a unique and incredible woman and we have been blessed by you ! I am sure in ways we don't even get, but that is the beauty of good gifts....they keep giving in memories and love stored up deep in the heart. We have you stored up girl!

The other day I was looking at cards trying to find one for you and although some of them expressed snippets of what I wanted to say, they just seemed inadequate or only half done.

I want to say…

Thank You in 25 different languages.

Thanks for loving us. For flexibility, and grace. Thanks for long suffering. Thanks for sharing your heart. Thanks for camaraderie; friendship, faithfulness and loyalty. Thanks for the times you did your job even when you were sick, because you knew it would bless me. Thanks for your listening ear and your available heart. Thanks for being with our kids, for laughing with them, playing with them, reading to them, wiping their tushies (there’ve been many wipes ). Thanks for seemingly always being patient with them, for appreciating them. Thanks for being taken by their fascinatingly unique personalities.

Thanks for the hugs and the smiles. Thanks for asking how I was and then waiting to hear my heart. Thanks for even letting me ramble and lose my train of thought and than laugh with me when I had no idea why I made the point I made. Thanks for your perseverance in the Lord and your faithfulness to intercession. Thanks for your patience with change and for wanting to be with us even when it meant a sacrifice in your schedule. Thanks for the words and THE WORD. Thanks for the many, many, many times you prayed with me and went to bat in prayer for us. Thanks for your love and tenderness!

I WILL MISS YOU SARAH STROER. You will be missed by all of us – BUT most especially by me. I love you and am proud to call you my friend.

It will be strange to wake up on Monday and not hear your voice or see your face or feel a hug. This will take some getting used to, but we will and you will and the call of God will carry us into wonderful things. AND this friendship we have built will continue….regardless of where we are; there you will be, in our hearts and our memories. Regardless of where we are – you are welcome.

We look forward to the days ahead….hearing about the journey and the jobs and the relationships and the music and the relationships (oh..did I already say that????. We look forward to seeing you bloom even more.

Go BIG girl – or don’t go at all
Go big in your own, unique Sara way.
Mark the world some more with the colors in your hand!!
We know it is going to be a beautiful tapestry.

And down the road we will be together… standing side by side, arm in arm, looking at the weaving of our life’s and we will recognize skeins of each other in the pictures. This is how God does it. Nothing is lost and so much is gained. He is good that way. He is eternal that way. He calls things significant we label as minimal. He sees every stitch and He saw every thread that you sewed into us and He called it beautiful!!!!

Well done Sarah – you loved well and served well! Huge, huge, huge hugs from us!

Shalom, Shalom and Peace of God!

The Comfort of Women

2010-08-13T21:37:00.000-07:00

Women have a wonderful camaraderie and comfort amongst themselves. There is nothing quite like it. Men cannot really achieve it in their relationship. I think men are capable of great depth in relationship, but they express it and experience it differently then women. Maybe it is the all the "cereberalness". Don't get me wrong...logic is needed. Logic is dependable, structured, foundational to sound thinking; but the emotions of the heart, the ability to express something from a deeper level which happens in a rich way between women is something to behold.

Women are the expression of the feminine side of God; not as an afterthought, but on purpose. Eve was not an answer to a mistake..."Woops", said God to Jesus and the Holy Spirit..."Adam is lonely, quick get your heads together and let's come up with a fix!!!"" Jesus says..."oh, oh (snap, snap of the fingers) what about a wo-man for the man? Similar, but different" Holy Spirit ponders "Wait...wait....YES!!!! By-jove that is brilliant Jesus! Wish I would have thought of it"

We all know it didn't go that way, but at times our society, our family and even our friends have treated women as a less then, or something to tolerate or deal with.

The Word of God indicates Eve was made out of a rib taken from Adams. Hebrew definition translate the word "rib" as "side". I like this better. Not because I am some Nazi feminist who swings around by her bra straps shouting "I am woman! Hear me roar". I like it because I think it gives a more accurate picture of what happened that day in the garden when God birthed Eve.

Imagine it...

THE God, came into the Garden, put the only man the world has known up to this point into some sort of sleep state and then took a side of him to make something similar, but wholly other than. When the creating was all said and done, God then decreed that in male AND female the world would see the fullness of the image of God and by HIS words set in to motion a principle that it would take looking at and knowing BOTH to see and experience the full expression of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Without man, our view of the trinity is lopsided and mis-adjusted. Without woman the view is also off balance, tilted and not complete. Just the man and we can get an overpowering amount of strength, boundaries & task oriented action (we also get a whole lot of honor, warrior courage and determination). We miss the more intuitive side of life; the depth of emotions is skewed. Nurturing, tenderness, long suffering, graciousness, quiet strength, fortitude, beauty and resilience get lost in translation. Without the feminine, I am not sure we could understand the layers that come with a statement like "Jesus Wept".

I don't want to paint a picture of woman as weak and full of emotional mumbo jumbo. She is far from that. Any wise man knows that to understand a women he will have to spend YEARS digging diligently at the layers and if he persists there are treasures to be found inside her and he is all the richer for having found it. Any wise man knows that to dig until he finds the treasures GETS to be his delight...that it is a gift to know woman, because in doing so He can know God more.

To know women is to know mystery and taste beauty. Women are also warriors and fighters - they just carry that in a different way. They are God's answer to Adam's cry of loneliness, but more so they are God's answer to the whole earth's travail to understand just a bit more of the fullness of the Glory of God.

Women are partners of equity. Maybe not equal in skill or strength, but most certainly in value. They are Adam's ezer kenigdo; man's help meet. This does not mean that they are the perfect cloth folders or dishwashers or kid tenders. It means they are equal to the task given to man, by God in Genesis, to rule and subdue the earth.

Adam was the first human created in the Garden, but Eve was the last and she was a Glorious crescendo. God ended creation with woman. She was the crowning jewel, the apex, the final part of a masterpiece and then God said ...now ..."it is good".

Wow!!! That year flew

2010-08-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

I am laughing!

I knew it had been "a while" since I had posted anything on my blog, BUT I am a bit surprised myself that it has been a year.

A crazy, wild, painful and glorious year. Well - honestly - it doesn't feel like anything really glorious happened. Mainly, just life.

The kids grew up - I regressed. (smile)
Carpets got cleaned and then were dirty (way too quickly)
The garage was organized (mostly) and then got messy
Ideas were tossed out and some tossed away.

If I were to title this year it might be "Feeling betrayal, experiencing loss and finding myself".

* Confusion in friendship - some resulting in going deeper in a most precious way, some resulting in feeling betrayed by what you thought you perceived.
* Sorting through a house and selling most of the stuff in that house for some dear friends who had left for South Africa and are not returning.
* Watching my father move closer to death due to lung cancer and farther away from the Lord due to choice.
* Lack of integrity in some business dealings with some fellow brothers and sisters in Christ that never got resolved in the right way.
*A major stab in the back from someone who worked with us in our business. Knowing that it was out of his own childhood wounding and so trying to give grace, but feeling like our tails were really far out in the wind.
* Still having no contact with my only sibling who, because of my relationship with Christ, cannot seem to be in relationship with me.
*Watching one of my best friends walk through death and loss herself and not be able to be near her and feel her pull away to try to cope.

Some of the feeling and finding has just been a part of the ebb and flow of life lived in a broken world. Some because of realistic expectations dashed, but ultimately, I am discovering that the deepest pain, the greatest betrayal I have felt, has been by my own hand, my own heart as I have reached out for dreams and come up a bit empty.

I am not even sure how to articulate it well.

I think I am just starting to walk around everything I am weakly expressing. I am trying to give myself space to feel the pain in such a way that it propels me to look deeper into myself. I want to do it without obsessing about it. I want to explore with honesty and integrity without finger pointing or blame shifting, yet also give myself the freedom to admit that people fail us. We fail each other. I want to discover wisdom and use it to walk away from some old habits, old cycles, old thoughts AND use it to walk into greater things.

I know...I am talking all mystical and vague. Partially because I want to process, but I want to protect. Partially because the details don't matter, it is where I end up in my heart that will mark me.

I have a raw idea. When we feel betrayal or rejection by another it is either because:

a.) we got completely bamboozled by someone who was really good at snookering people. Usually this entails tangling ourselves up with a narcissistic personality. (a part of my experience this year)

b. ) we kept giving "that person" or "that situation" the benefit of the doubt and never confronted (really...who LIKES confrontation? ). Fairly quickly the quirks or hairball oddities, or sins, that were not healthy, became the norm. There comes a point where we either say "What is the use with saying anything...I have lived with it for this long. Why bother" and in doing so condone a thing into acceptance in our silence.

c.) ultimately - the real betrayal TOWARD us is usually felt because it is allowed, BY us. In essence, we betray ourselves. Swirling around inside of our souls are tipping points. Moments where we made a choice to adjust in order to be around a certain person. The adjustments were not wrong....we all make small changes in relationships to accommodate personality, quirks, likes, dislikes....This is normal. I am talking about the changes we made that went in direct conflict against what we hold to be true, loving or genuine. What is not healthy is knowing down in your gut that the way a person is undervaluing you has become a common theme in your interactions. What is not healthy is involving yourself in more of a word based relationship then action based....they say they value you really well, but they do not show it....the use of the word friend is strong, but the priority of being a friend is low. What is not healthy is when the value scale is unbalanced...when there is always a reason or excuse for why they can't be healthy. I find myself here and frankly...it is awkward and painful.

Maybe, maybe, maybe....maybe if you find yourself here.

Maybe I will write more about the problem with finding yourself after you have taken a sabbatical from some of the truer parts of you.

OR, maybe I won't write for another year.
Maybe...because it is too raw or too real.

Reality is - A LOT of wonderful and good and poignantly beautiful things happened in the last year. Things I am grateful for. Events I wouldn't trade. People I hold close to the heart.

I do remember those!

The Low Down in Bullet points

2009-08-18T14:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been behind the 8 ball when it comes to keeping up with the stuff of life (like paperwork, blogging, laundry, making proper meals for my family) but here is the scoop....

Potty training Riley (we had a relapse when dear Phineas came on the scene and are coming out of a long recovery mode. I think I was recovering as much as Riley. Thanks to my mom who was here for a week and determined to get her granddaughter back on her potty game.
Dealing with broken down cars....we are in desperate need of a work truck. Ours leaks power steering fluid like a sieve, you have to push it to start it, etc. etc. etc.
2 Weeks of various "Inner Healing" type training.
My sweet G is starting 1st grade....proud, concerned...will he be challenged enough? obedient enough? cool enough? uncool enough.....
Having my kitchen overtaken by Kombucha mothers, Caspian Sea Yogurt and Kefir and some sort of KimChee veggie. Scott is all about the fermented stuff and I think he needs his own special little kitchen complete with sink, stove top and fridge.
Lot's of yard work...new beds, bamboo, play area complete with huge sandbox and special kiddie mulch.
Healing from a 2nd degree burn on the chest and tummy from a tea spill at Starbucks.
Falling in love more and more with my children.
Vigilantly protecting my date night with Scooter
Thinking about old friends...the ones that got away because of time or offense.
Sorting our garage - not an easy task with all those tools, etc.
Dreaming of the ocean (always dreaming)
Praying for those lost in my family with a new sense of urgency and grief over the ramifications of their choices thus far.
Figuring out what I actually like to do in my spare time.
Sorting kids clothes since they grow like weeds.
Correcting my children for the umpteenth time
Thankful for air conditioning and electricity.
Had a garage sale with a friend.
Went to Montana to visit one of my best friends and then met my mom there for a visit.
Planning to exercise :)
Off of coffee for 6 months.
Craving ice cream
Doing a lot of laundry.
Cleaned my utility Room

The Storm & The Dream

2009-08-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I had a dream...

My family was on the ground being covered up by a huge canopy/tent like thing. In the dream....I said...oh this is the Kabod of God.

Kabod (Hebrew) - the glory, "weight", or power of God.

I don't usually spout out Hebraic words, in dreams or awake, so it would not be normal for me to surmise, in the dream, that this was the Kabod of God . There were many bodies under the canopy and my family was on the outskirts watching the final portion of the tent being folded over us and being tucked under.

Last night there was a mother of a storm over our house. Full of the kind of thunder & lightning that rattles windows. The kind where it feels like the eye of the storm is directly above you. It makes you feel small and a bit powerless. When I awoke I immediately thought about the kabod being around us and I felt safe. I also was thinking about the earthquakes and thunderings Revelations refers to and how much more intense those shaking will be.

They are coming soon and those who are not living under the Kabod of God will be living in a volatile world.

The Basket.

2009-06-25T07:01:00.002-07:00

We have a basket in our house full of rocks and shells. Stuff we have collected from various trips. It is our little stockpile of memories.

Some have names written on them like; Masada. We grabbed up at the top after a long walk up.
Some have nothing written on them, but have been given a name; such as a rock the size of my fist that looks a bit like a women's bodice. She is dubbed "Mother Love" because of her shape. We found that rock in the middle of a Wyoming field with our friends Nyla and Lynnea. The details are fuzzy, but I do remember walking single file through a dirt field because we were trying to get to an eagles nest and Scott got us to believe some sort of nonsense that if we walked in a single file line the eagles might not realize four people were encroaching on them? I still laugh about it.

There are shells and agates from the Oregon Coast, polished stones from a family member, a rock from our honeymoon in Hawaii, a smooth river stone which turns a turquoise color in water from some trip through Idaho.

The basket holds reminders of some of our best times together. The ones when we were able to slow down, listen and love easier. Times when we were quickly reminded of why we choose each other, why we choose a family, why we said yes to God.

Garage Sale

2009-06-16T13:02:00.000-07:00

Garage Sales have been good to me over the years.....I love browsing and buying, but holding my own is akin to having bamboo shoots shoved into my nail beds. They just take a stinking lot of work. Sorting, pricing, setting up, breaking down, selling, bartering. UGH!

A friend of mine mentioned she was having a garage sale and I knew this was my golden moment. I politely asked if I could crash the party and join. Her place is a better locale, she is uber fun to hang with and there will be tasty snacks which always makes the day smoother.

Just think...I can make money on my junk so I can go and buy someone Else's junk!

If you need a good laugh...

2009-06-15T18:10:00.000-07:00

Need to laugh? I double dog dare you to check out this site and see if you can get through a few pages without chuckling a bit.

http://awkwardfamilyphotos.com/

A little glimmer of Heaven

2009-06-14T19:43:00.000-07:00

One of the many kisses of heaven will be relationship -

We have all run across people that are nothing short of great. There is that mutual spark indicating; hey...I might really like this person ...they are so ____________(fill in the blank)

creative
energetic
life-giving
courageous
honorable
unique
funny
though-provoking
all out brilliant

The reality of life is that there is little time to really foster multiple relationships at deep levels. After the hours subtracted for sleeping, eating, cleaning, working, family and present friends I find there is not a lot left over.

There will be no shortage of time in Heaven.

We will get to KNOW each other IN perfection for...eternity. We will get to experience our parents, siblings, friends or co-workers as they were created in the beginning. The levels will be astonishing because the depth will be longer and wider and there will be no fear in the midst of perfect love. Think of relationship without fear of rejection, fear of failure or mistrust.

It really is unfathomable to grasp with my fallen mind, but I feel the glimmer of hope that some day I will not only be fully known and loved, but be able to fully know and love.

This is good!

Something Old

2009-05-26T11:01:00.000-07:00

Our sweet Phin. Makes one want to have another baby......egads - WHO just said that.

Riley - back when she was small enough to play in the sink. She still thinks she is. Many days I find her standing in the bathroom sink washing her feet. She loves soap.

One of my favorites of Gabriel and Daddy.

This is an old photo - pre-Phineas days. That was a great day at the park - although Riley does not look like she is having fun!

I am becoming...

2009-05-24T15:29:00.000-07:00

I am becoming....

I am not sure what it is, but I can feel my soul stretching and frankly...it's a painful process.

It is full of denying m self so I can find myself. One of the many quagmires of the gospel.

I don't think I have really been a person who has a difficult time setting boundaries and saying no, but I am smack dab in the middle of a NO season. I KNOW that I am supposed to say NO more than Yes. For how long? I don't know....see....it's sticky, but not really.

I've had moments in the last month where I have been busy rushing trying to get stuff done and the stuff is clashing with the family. It is difficult because sometimes the stuff is important...I made a commitment and I have a deadline kind of important.

I already feel the normal pressure most moms feel juggling babies, small kiddos, a house, a business, friends, a life, etc. but I really feel it as my kids are wanting to be held and dinner is on and the contract has to be typed and the ad has to be place and, and, and.....

so the no's are good.

They are making me slow down and as I look around and take stock of my house, my life, my zone... I see that it has been somewhat neglected. (along with my heart) because of I have been too busy juggling the yes's of my life to actually really listen to the thing that matter when it comes to agreements....agreements of the spirit and the heart.

So the no's are good....because I am wrapping up or finishing many yes's and then trying to learn to just shut it.....my mouth I mean.

I'll see how the test goes......because I think it is a test and there is a greater good inside my heart.....I am learning to listen a little bit deeper and look a little bit harder at my motivations. Why I say do what I do.

ahhh....the tasty succulents in life

2009-05-07T11:50:00.001-07:00

I LIKE THESE:

Very cool vertical gardens Flora Grubb Gardens and a nice interview of her on Design*Sponge.

2009-04-30T09:42:00.000-07:00

Got a sweet forward from my friend, Heather. There were a lot of beautiful flowers in the email, which made me think of our backyard and all the B-I-G yard projects we have slotted on the ever growing "To do" list. Thinking of the backyard made me look out the window and I saw the sunlight and heard birds chirping and this....ALL this ...gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling of enjoyment.

In the email were a list of suggestions about taking life slower and fight for the deeper and true meanings in life. How about I just share the ones that seemed to hit me....

1. Separate worries from concerns. If a situation is a concern, find out what God would have you do and let go of the anxiety . If you can't do anything about a situation, forget it.
2. K.M.S. (Keep Mouth Shut).
3. Remember that the shortest bridge between despair and hope is often a good 'Thank you Jesus ....'
5. Remind yourself that you are not the general manager of the universe.
6 Every night before bed, think of one thing you're grateful for that you've never been grateful for before.

I want....

2009-04-21T13:45:00.000-07:00

I can feel my heart today. I know that sounds strange and the description is lacking mainly because I am not sure I have appropriate words to describe the terrain of the heart, but I had a moment today where I was actually just listening to my insides and I could feel...wanting.

Sitting in Texture

2009-04-03T13:07:00.001-07:00

Texture....

It the stuff that makes dimension and form unique. We experience texture every time we interact with our surroundings.

We experience it with all of our senses:

spicy Moroccan tastes, the subtle hint of orange essence in the chocolate sauce
soft leather, baby skin, old hands which have worked for a living
scratchy voices, soprano trills, the vibrato of the oboe
the difference between brocade and velvet, lime vs. forest green, grainy pictures, bright colors.

Maybe the chair theme is a subtle reminder that I have wanted to get nicer dining room chairs for 8 years. I have always had thrift store variety - which I actually like...as long as they are sturdy. Some of mine are not. I remember the time someones butt took out the whole back inset of a chair because they scooted up against it. AND there was the time that the chair just sort of crumbled because the support was gone.

I bought all of my chairs for $30.00 and have always wanted to recover them. I even have the material to do so, but I sort of figure why bother when they might look like the leaning tower of Pisa at any moment.

This chair says bubblegum ferns to me. I know...weird.

This chairs say...."Kids, don't get anywhere near that thing...if you even think about touching it or even looking at we are out of here"

These chairs say...come join the waltz. Like something you'd find in a Jane Eyre movie.

i wonder what it would be like to experience the textures of heaven?

Inga

2009-03-31T13:51:00.001-07:00

Do you have those types of friends you could sit down with for hours talking and still have more to say?

The ones you are eager to share the vulnerable side of your heart with because you want them to know you and you can trust them to safely & nobly hold you even with all your wounds and weaknesses?

Friends you can laugh with one moment and cry with the next and it's real and normal?

I met Inga in Kansas City. Our mutual friend Leeza was always encouraging us to meet because she thought we'd get along smashingly, but it was not until after Leeza moved back to South Africa that Inga and I connected. I can't remember the day, but I remember thinking...wow, I'd like to be friends with this person.

Recently Inga and her precious family moved back to South Africa and I've been surprised to discover how lonely I've felt over her absence. She touched something in me at a deep level and I think maybe I became more in her presence.

Inga likes to keep busy and is a social connector. We led a woman's bible study together and walked through the book Captivating by Jon and Staci Eldridge. She kept saying "Let's only let x # of people into the group, but just about every week of the first month there were new faces she'd invited. I'd laugh knowing that she so values connection and community that she just couldn't help herself.

People are drawn to Inga like fireflies to light. This really is not an exaggeration. She carries light inside of her - I know it is the light of Jesus Christ and although some could not necessarily name the source they are hungry for a taste of whatever it is. Inga has a natural and un-dominating authority about her that says it is safe to share, but there's going to be no nonsense about calling out the truth. She's sympathizing with you one minute and then subtly slipping in the truth above the pain. It's is just a given if you are going to tell your story she is likely going to help you rewrite the wounded parts.

We each have 3 younger children and the Raw's are a family you call up 30 minutes before the hour and say "hey come on over and grill" and they're actually game for the party. We'd let the kids tear it up in the back yard, acting like LOUD and crazy monkeys without having to apologize because Hannah smacked Gabriel or Gabriel shoved Isaac. It was real life lived in real time and I never felt like I had to apologize if it was raw, full of snotty noses or even silly.

Inga is intentional and unafraid of giving time to see others walk victorious. In a battle, she'd be fierce and I'd choose to fight along her side most any day; we may both be quaking in our boots, but I'd count on her to draw her sword and swing to the end.

We need Marvelous Comrades in our life's and I am blessed to have several.

I just happen to be highlighting Inga because my heart is missing her.

I miss rummaging through her kitchen cupboards for little snacks and tea which always tasted better because it was at her house.

I miss talking. When it felt like I had come to the end of my rope Inga would be one of those who'd talk me straight.

I miss the laughter.

I even miss the tears.

I drive by her house and even after I've passed I find myself glancing in the rear view mirror at the mosaic lamppost out front because I've been indelibly marked by the light which came from that house.

Friendship...it is a beautiful thing.

Sometimes Faith Looks Like...

2009-03-31T10:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes faith feels like you are walking into the deep

At times if feels like you are right on the edge of falling

Sometimes it just feels shrouded in shadows

But usually if you look deep enough into a matter and fix your eyes on Jesus you will find the cross - even in the midst of a winter season.

There are rare moments when I surprise myself with a surge of faith. The kind that does not just believe in miracles or visitations, but expects them to show right then. I know this is the gift of faith rising up and for a moment I get a glimpse of who I was supposed to be before the fall, before the doubt and before the separation that sin causes between spirit and soul.

Those kind of faith risings are moments where I actually experience being seated in Christ Jesus in heavenly places at the right hand of the Father - it feels like who I really am meant to be and I like it...not the power, but the authority to be above the sensation of always living low, feeling low and looking low.

Reality..... those moments fade too quickly and I am once again standing on the boardwalk looking out over the edge and thinking....jump? You've got to be kidding.

Jesus is not afraid of this in me, although at times I envision that he might want to give me a good shake, in a sweet, non-abusive sort of way :), and say something like....

MARCIE - will you believe in me and me in you?

Six Things and the yellow chair.

2009-03-30T19:37:00.000-07:00

This says...KELLY.

I have a friend who changes her decor like the rest of us change our underwear. Shhhh. Don't tell anyone I said underwear. (I just want to snicker and start making under there? under where? jokes)

It's a part of her personal DNA and nothing to apologize for.

I believe strongly in BEAUTY as more than a concept to ponder and wax on about in ethereal terms. Beauty is not just something I visit at a museum. It's found in the everyday moments showing up in the sound of laughter, words on paper, touch, color, how well we love.... Beauty is meant to be a part of our everyday life's. God created and said it was GOOD and then He rested and enjoyed what He made. It wasn't a "well that's done...let's move on to the next task shall we", but more of a savoring and delighting in that which was complete and formed.

We were created by a magnificent Creator; so it stand to reason that beholding and constructing beauty are part of expressing the image of God. I would go so far as to say we cannot NOT create wherever we are and creating done in the palm of the hand of God is worship. What I mean by that is the kind of creating that God can touch regardless of whether the world would disdain it.

We've all been in homes where it's just easier to relax and enjoy because of the surroundings. That describes Kelly's house and her theme for the season is yellow. One of the many connections I have with Kelly is our kindred spirit to find a deal. She is the connoisseur of the garage sale and bargain rack and I LOVE IT! Kelly is one of the few people I would like to own a business with; I think I'd call the store "Quirk" because that would about describe what you'd experience. Everything from modern to French Provencal would be woven in the shopping palette. It would be a paradise for expression (in a healthy way :) )

So this bright and cheery chair is a shout out to my friend Kelly and to beauty....may we find it in the most unexpected places.

This says....REST with friends and enjoy a day at the villa.

This says....CREATIVE.
A glass flower vase faucet. I'd be freaked out some one in my busy bunch would break it (my favorite statue has a chip in it because of some sword swinging by little miss busy), but I'm imagining it with stones or glass marbles looking so serene with water flowing out of it. I'd just want to stand there and turn off the faucet and then on, off, on, off - faster...now slower.....you get my drift.

You can see this faucet at Hego Waterdesign

This says... I WANT TO HANG OUT IN MY ROOM.

For those who are trying to figure out creative, yet artful ways to share divide space with siblings this is a great way to do that. I actually think the storage / nightstand could be reconfigured to fit 2 bookcases back to back. The bottom portion would be a headboard for each kiddo with storage on the top, all the while lending a little privacy.

Check out the Italians at Dearkids for more zany ideas.

Check out that guard rail.

These stairs say....SMILE. (with storage to boot...these are my kind of designers)

This say ...RELAX.

I have fond memories of a trip I took with my friend Heather to Pennsylvania. We stayed at a Great Aunt's house and one of the things that captured me about her abode was the red claw foot tub sitting at an angle in the middle of the bathroom. I think the impression went deep because it was so out of the box and said...do what you enjoy.

I am torn over the orphan....

2009-03-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

My soul is torn. The plight of the orphan quickly moves me to tears. I try to read as many adoption blogs as I can and have followed several families stories from start to present. Not only is there a hunger in me to read about people's stories, but I know that keeping faces and names before me makes the problem real. It keeps my heart tender to something beyond my little bubble.

Riley was given to us through the gift of adoption and I CANNOT imagine our family with out her. Us without Riley would not be us anymore. Her merge into our hearts happened from the moment we said yes. Actually it happened the first time I heard about someone else adopting her and the thought "I want that baby" zipped through my mind.

Gabriel was my great expectation, Phineas was my great joy, but Riley...she was my great reward. What an awesome transaction - all I had to do was say yes and she was the reward.

I am torn because there are SO MANY orphans - today - that need homes. There are more than 4,500 foster care children in Kansas and only 2,000 foster care families, leaving more than 2,500 foster kids without a home. In Missouri there are over 9,000 kids in foster care, most under the age of 10 and only about half of those are in a home.

Toddlers and teenagers whose greatest wish is a family they can call their own, but as the weeks and years go by they shove that dream down deep so they don't have to feel loss and pain.

I am torn because right now I have a full quiver with a baby and 2 other small children. At 40 I feel like my head is barely screwed on straight from Phin's birth.

I feel physically unavailable for adoption at this time, but emotionally I am a big tub of blubber. I know even my tears are intercession and maybe that is the portion I am to carry right now, but I think it is more that the intercession is preparation. God graciously confronting my heart in the present so I am able to quickly say yes to the future.

Nothing deep, just miles and miles sea

2009-03-24T23:01:00.000-07:00

I have been way too busy using the space in my brain and calender reserved for computer foo-foo on construction bids, business emails and website designing for an art studio I used to work at. At times, I can smell the synaptic relays in my brain frying.

Before you think I am some computer coder let's lay down a reality check. I had little business saying yes to the website.

I'm like the person who gets a piece of corn stuck in between my teeth and I keep rolling my tongue over and over it all the while making strange sucking noises in the hopes I can swirl it out of it's little hidey spot.

I'm the big mouth that said "I can do that"

The website is the corn stuck in my teeth....and it feels tight in there. I keep making a bunch of sucking noises that sound a lot like...."Oh Jesus help me" and I know eventually something is going to give....it could be computer and maybe that would be good for me.

so for now -

in a moment of brainlessness, I give you miles and miles of sea Titled

On the Way to Nowhere by Evengeni Dinev (a Bulgarian freelance photographer and talented webdesigner.

2009-03-23T12:57:00.000-07:00

I'm on a "Things I Like" kick....if ya like that swing then read on....if it doesn't float your boat than sail on in peace.

Today is about storage...maybe because when I sat down at my desk I had to push aside all the papers and misc. pieces of junk that have found residency there. I am actually a very organized person. I'm the gal my friends call when they need to put some order into life, but for whatever reason my office is always the lurking rebel in the organization family at the Adam's household. As much as I discipline my desk, it just goes and gets messy again. Bad Desk!!!!

So - as ode to organization....I give you the hidden stairwell storage by architects at Plasma Studio made for a home in San Candido, Italy. I like it!!

Things I like - vertical garden

2009-03-21T18:18:00.000-07:00

I like this!

It's a French riddling rack transformed into a vertical garden for lettuces, arugula, Swiss chard, mustard, strawberries and herbs by Anne Phillips. (the riddling rack played a crucial role in the making of champagne for hundreds of years. Before corking, bottles are stored upside down to allow unwanted sediment to collect in the neck)

I love the idea of gardening. We used to have a H-U-G-E set-up in Wyoming. Really it was a little much and always, always a work in progress and just when the goods were getting tasty, we moved. We tried gardening when we first moved to MO at our apartment; raised boxes on the back patio. We mixed that soil with tender love, but those pesky deer wouldn't take NO for an answer so we rested our green thumbs for awhile.

We tried last summer to resurrect the thumb, but our schedules really put the kibosh on the party, so we are trying to breath new life this season. My mom is coming for a visit and if my husband has a green thumb, she wears the color as an accessory. She always wants to do a "little yard project" when she visits and who am I to say no to such free and enthusiastic labor? Last year she was out digging in the rain while I was in trying to get a handle on nursing a fussy 4 day old baby. [This is the woman who encouraged and helped arrange for my husband to blow in cellulose insulation into our attic while I was recovering from a c-section in the hospital. I do not know how they pulled it off because my hubby was with me every night ...sometimes very late, but he was there. I did come home to a LARGE patch in the ceiling where Joel fell through - that must have been a site for my mom as she was sitting reading to Riley and suddenly smash - there were legs ...dangling and kicking about.]

Mom's been prepped that "not much has been done" to those beds, but she is geared up for a new project and I will actually have the energy to help her dig - although, she is relentless. Frankly, I am better at picking out, planting the flowers and serving the refreshments, but I will be there knee deep in the thick of mud with my shovel. Just call me Frannie...the farmer that is.

All that to say is that if our garden doesn't really get off the ground this year, I think I like this vertical garden idea - I just have no idea where I'd get a riddling rack.

After the Heart

2009-03-12T13:24:00.000-07:00

Here's my deep thought for the day which is coming in between wiping butts, snotty noses, scrubbing dishes, folding laundry and cooking up some butter beans and chicken. I am not sure if it is deep or wide, but it is something I am chewing on. It's one of those "aha" moments that happens in a flash, but I know if I grab it and chew on it for while, it might just change something in my little heart.

When we hit a crisis in marriage or a relationship we are usually after something…

Truth

Repentance

Confession

Real Communication

Time

An apology

A change

A chance to explain

A place to run

Someone to vent at

A person who will take the blame

Validation

Understanding

I've found that the only way to get THROUGH a crisis, conflict, question or pain is by mashing Jesus right into the midst of it. This solution always has a way of getting down to the root of the issue, because Jesus is after the heart.

My aha....Chasing after the heart of the matter is not nearly as important as chasing after the heart of the person.

It's the grace of love

Change

2009-02-26T11:32:00.000-08:00

I know, I know...I've changed the design of my blog like 3 or 4 times in a month. What gives?

Outward shows of inward stirrings
Restlessness to get stuff done
Change in the atmosphere and this little blog is a teensy, tiny, itty-bitty thing I can control
Love of design - really I should have been a graphic artist, so I could get paid to doodle and mess (maybe that will be another stage. Right now I am unpaid to change others doodle .... by that I mean my kids :) )

OK - side note: my mind did an automatic fill in with itty, bitty....titty committee. As my six year old son would say...that just "vexes" me!"

Life is full of a whole lot of change - I can't see it, but wow can I feel it! Kind of like an iceberg - only about 10% is above water, but that 90% can sink ships and change land mass. Did you know that when an iceberg melts, it makes a fizzing sound called "Bergie Seltzer"? The sound is made when compressed air bubbles get trapped in the iceberg pop.

Chunks of me are moving under the surface as I commit to change. No pithy words or grandiose explanations for these sensation other than it is becoming well with my soul.

So, if you hear me fizzing, it's just part of the change.

Where I Want To Be

2009-02-20T18:59:00.000-08:00

Every once in a blue moon I am going to post a random picture that draws something out of me when I gaze at it. You know the kind - the kind of art that tugs on your soul just a hint.

This is one such photograph. The artist is Albena Markova; a Bulgarian Photographer who (is that supposed to be who or whom??? - I know - dismal! ) captures spectacular landscapes, oftentimes with an orange hue in her photos.

Being a point and shoot Neanderthal I am not sure if the hue happens in the development process or because of an aperture setting or ???, but Orange is my color these days. Let me clarify - in my house - as accents people! As much as I'd like to pull off some sort of burnished bronze or vibrant tangerine dream wrapped in folds about me - my skin would give out a gasp and keel over.

My G, G - Little Bean

2009-02-19T10:58:00.000-08:00

This is Gabriel.
Nickname - Little Bean, which came about as he was quite long when he finally popped out.

His silly side is definitely coming out while greeting` his newborn brother Phineas.

Thinker, Explorer, Artistic, Dramatic, Sensitive - all describe Gabriel. I can barely keep up with his brain sometimes - it moves fast.

He is reading the Lord of the Rings Trilogy with dad right now ( yes I do mean that HE can read it and get the themes and humor). Right now his favorite song is some mumbly jumbly about Bilbo Baggins and plates, etc. (If you have watched the older cartoon version of The Hobbit you'd recognize it).

I had to put this picture in. It is one of my favs. He was three and adorable as the day is long.

By the By - I've added quite a few posts this week - about 3 on one day that I had in the blog cache. Take some time, grab a cuppa joe' or a spot of tea - whatever your fuel might be - get a scone and sit down and catch up.

Hugs -

2nd in the lineage

2009-02-18T11:13:00.000-08:00

Here's are sweet Riley.

She was a gift from God in the form of adoption and just about everyday we marvel that she is a part of us.

Loving, precocious, genuinely friendly, great hugger - all describe her. Even the way she greets you gives warm fuzzies.

She's my precious pie and I love her to the universe and back.

Scrumptious little bit of love

2009-02-17T13:51:00.000-08:00

This is Phineas!

The little dude is just as cute as his picture shows. He's 5 months old here, but is 9 months old now and off the charts in every way.

I throw out some big babies and he is no exception.

We are falling madly in love with Mr. Smiley Pants.

25

2009-02-16T09:44:00.000-08:00

1. One of my best friends in grade school, Jeff Schiewe, cut the side of my nose in half with a hoe when we were building a neighborhood garden.
2. I was a rodeo princess in my senior year of high school. The Queen and I traveled to podunk rodeo's across Oregon. We'd sing Judd's songs to promote our local rodeo. One time while on stage, at our county fair, my voice warbled. I blame it on the hot guy in the crowd.
3. I've owned 3 horses - 2 Arabians and 1 Tennessee Walker.
4. In Junior High, I had a Farah Fawcett hairdo. My feather was so big that the sides of my hair wouldn't fit into my school pictures. I had braces on top of that. Messed me up something fierce.
5. My real name is Marcelle. Too chic for my small town tomboy ways, but I kinda like it now.
6. I grew up near the ocean and miss it just about everyday.
7. I bicycled in England, Wales and a wee bit of Scotland when I was 20 for 3 months - alone.
8. I have worked for the Romania and Hungarian Government teaching English.
9. I could eat sushi rolls, miso soup and tempura just about everyday and be satisfied.
10. I have a thing about "spatula hands" in men. Gives me the heebie jeebies!! I cannot justly describe what the spatula looks like, but I can certainly show you. EEK.
11. Fidelity in family and friendship is important to me. I'm still sad over friendships ended.
12. I'd love to hike the Appalachian trail, the hill country of England and bicycle the Oregon Coast with my family.
13. I put glue on a fat girls chair in 3rd grade and I still feel bad about it. It was a cruel moment.
14. Once when Scott and I were trying to figure out if we were going to date I used the phrases..."I am highly date-able material" and"If you don't bust a move, I am going to bust on outta here". Sigh.
15. I'd love to live in community on a sustainable farm. Caveat: all families get their own homes.
16. I'd love to design and build a green home with my husband, Scott. He is a brilliant and creative person and most people don't really get to plumb the depths of who he is.
17. I love Jesus and really want to be known as His Friend in the end.
18. I almost drown in a Costa Rican rip-tide. While being churned in waves, I worried because my shirt kept pulling up and I didn't want the guy I had a crush on to see me dead & shirtless.
19. I worked at a place called the Bad Ass Cafe in Dublin. The name still makes me snicker.
20. Each of my children have 2 middle names. Once the ball started we had to keep it rollin' aaaaannnnd rollin'.
21. My ideal vacation would include the ocean, good food, friends, no cooking, no cleaning, a nanny and some sort of adventure.
22. Graduated Cum Laude and when they gave me the medal I told them I was pretty sure they had the wrong person (seriously).
23. 3 of my favorite jobs: Summers working at a kite shop on the Oregon coast, teaching Mosaic Art and teaching English in Romania ( I met Scott there).
24. I have a plan, on paper, that needs about 200 million dollars and has at times increased up to 2 billion. It includes well projects, a prayer room in South Africa, orphans in Uganda, churches in Vietnam, making a way for people to adopt who would like to if they had the money, supporting the Translation of the Bible into the TAT language, etc.
25. I regularly look at adoption websites and weep. Not only am I aware of what a special thing we've been given in Riley, but I'm aware what she has been saved from...make me undone.

It's the little things that count.

2009-02-12T13:56:00.000-08:00

It was summer.

We were on vacation.

Actually...we'd just started our trip and we're in the middle of Missouri.

Everyone was piled up in the van (minus Mr Phineas, as he was not on the scene yet) and like Lewis & Clark we were heading out into the big world on a 5 week adventure crossing MO to the Oregon Coast and back. Along the way we'd swing into Idaho, visit the family, pick up Grandma Jones and then cruise a bunch of back roads over the mountains and through the woods to the Coast.

The van was clocking along, kids were playing and we were talking about what-not, when all of sudden Scott hits the brakes, and swerves to the side of the interstate.

I' m thinking .... accident? blown tire? overheating? diarrhea?

He's thinking ....turtle.

Scott had seen a turtle getting ready to make its final debut in a suicide crawl across the interstate and for whatever reason he turned into Mr Turtle, Turtle Superhero (name that movie) out to save the Terrapin.

He and Gabriel rushed out of the van and were overjoyed to find their turtle was of the snapping variety. They shoved sticks towards it's mouth provoking it to snap (over and over again) AND tried extremely hard to convince me to let the little guy join us as a fellow sojourner. When it was quite clear that Mama ain't no fool, they finally put it back in the ravine it came out of.

The ravine ran along side a field
The field held cattle
Cattle poop
Poop has to go somewhere ...and now you can image what the ravine smelled like.

I'm sure the turtle had come OUT of the ravine in a desperate attempt to escape; tired of stinking it up to high heaven and back. I am guessing that somewhere in that turtles' little pea brain it was really DE-LIGHTED when Scott and Gabriel picked him up. He was laughing as he rubbed some of his funky belly stank on them as payback for jabbing at his mouth with a stick.

Now ole' Scott and Gabriel may have deserved that smell, but us poor girls waiting patiently in the van...well - we were innocent bystanders. It took a trip to Walmart, a nail brush, hydrogen peroxide, strong antibacterial soap and looooong days for the odor to fade, but it was an experience I'm sure will remain with Gabriel.

Maybe the details won't stick in the memory banks, but the impression of a dad who thought saving a turtle was important will stay catalogued in his head and heart somewhere.

Life is full of a multitude of little things making up the big event. It is the nuances, the feelings evoked, the laughter and the tears that mark us. It's the smell of Grandma's night cream, the taste of strawberries in the summer, the sound of your best friends voice saying it's going to be alright that move us. It really is the little things that matter.

One day, down the road, Gabriel will be out on his own and a smell will trigger a memory. A connection will fire in his heart and suddenly he'll be thinking of his father and a turtle and he'll feel love.

This is good.

Capturing Hearts

2009-02-09T20:03:00.000-08:00

There are times were my house stays clean for several days in row and I feel like Rocky Balboa at the top of the steps (absolutely recognizing that little analogy is going to date me).

Laundry is done, fresh sheets are on the bed, toilets sparkle, kiddos faces and bottoms are clean, leftovers are actually IN the fridge and the sweet, melodious sound of the dishwasher hums. It's like a bam, and double bam, I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan kind of moment. When these little bits of glory happen I relish in how well the day was juggled. It makes me breath easy when my head hits the pillow, but I am aware that when I rise the cycle will begin again.

I have MANY years left of motherhood and at 40 that can be a bit daunting if I let it. It takes energy to parent. To put it into perspective, I'm going to be 61 when my littlest turns 20 and sometimes I feel like my uumph has run away, but I usually finding it hiding in some corner, give it a little pep talk and send it back out in the game.

When I was little I thought adults were plumb crazy reminiscing about time moving fast, but I get it now and even though I can't see the finish line to this segment of my mom assignment, I know the end is going to make an appearance just on the horizon in about 2 minutes.

I find even now that I will be doing some everyday thing with one of my children and have that kind of moment where everything slows down and I am aware "this will never come again"; holding Phin to give him a bottle, Riley's sweet toddler talk, Gabriel cooking up some "recipe" in the kitchen. Present moments that in seconds are gone and counted as part of the past.

I'm learning to let go of the house being tidy, clothes needing to be folded a certain way, dishes being in the "right" order. Those who have seen my office would say I have truly thrown the baby out with the bath water I have "let go" so much.

I am learning that with 3 young children I just won't get to tick off 10 things on my to do list; 3 is a success.

I am learning that being the kind of mom I see in my mind is a daily decision to live in the present and sometimes - many times - I have failed and am going to fail. Yet the capacity of children and mommies to love is a deep and mysterious thing all wrapped up in the heart of God and as I learn more about that heart - I am able to parent stronger.

I am learning that what I want more than perfection is satisfaction that I have gotten down on my kids level and reached in and touched their hearts at some point during my day.

I am learning that captured moments mean captured hearts and that's what love is all about.

Popcorn Yumminess - and healthy to boot.

2009-02-08T11:07:00.001-08:00

Attention all Popcorn lovers....check out this tasty, tasty recipe for good old fashion popcorn made with a healthy twist. I love popcorn, but it doesn't always love me (let the reader fill in), so I have an unspoken agreement with my gut to drink A LOT of water while ingesting so the digesting goes well.

Let me clarify...I love REAL popcorn. Not theater popcorn, not microwaved popcorn...just the real deal. About a month ago my salty taste buds must have awakened with gusto and so I went in search of a recipe that would satisfy the palate, but soothe the stomach. What I discovered was the BEST tasting popcorn recipe. The star bit that makes this magnificent recipe shine is that the butter is included in the popping process so the step of melting and coating the popcorn after the corn has been popped has been eliminated. Gives it such a lighter taste.

I am giving ya' two recipes with: one using safflower oil and one using coconut oil

A few tips first:

1. If possible use organic popcorn. It makes a difference I buy mine in bulk, but you can get this by the pound at whole foods or wild oats. The fresher the corn is the better the pop.

2. Use BUTTER - no margarine or any other fake stuff. People!! - get rid of that margarine and other saturated stuff. Spend a little extra and treat your body well. The taste is far superior, you anytime you can understand all the ingredients on a label it's a bonus.

3. Use an oil that can get hot without turning into a trans fat, such as safflower oil or coconut oil. Don't snub the nose - coconut oil has been a main ingredient in popcorn for nigh on centuries lads and lasses.

4. Use pan that has a thick bottom and you will eliminate the need to shake and shake AND shake. Unless you want to.

POPCORN LOVE Recipe #1

1/4 c. veg. oil; safflower
3 Tablespoons salted butter - If you don't have salted you can just put your salt right into the pot before the corn pops.
1/2 c. corn
1/2 teaspoon salt

2 quart pot
Combine oil, butter and corn.
Turn heat on med to med-high heat.
Once oil and butter have melted, shake pot SIDE to SIDE to coat the corn.
Once kernels start to pop, put on lid.
Corn is done when the kernels start to lift the lid off of the pot or you hear no more kernels popping:

Pour into large bowl and shake salt over the corn and toss until you get the salty taste you like.

I put a bit of seasoned salt called Kelly's because has no MSG in it. It is a bit like Lawry's Seasoning.

POPCORN with Coconut Oil

2 rounded teaspoon coconut oil
2 rounded teaspoons salted butter
1/2 c. popcorn.

same process as above.

Small newsflash on coconut oil:

One of the most stable oils you can buy; does not turn rancid
Considered a medicine food by many civilizations.
Considered a low fat; quickly broken down by liver and used as energy vs. stored as fat.
Increases your metabolism
Antiviral, anti fungal and antibacterial

Happy Snacking my friends.

The Waiting

2009-01-31T20:37:00.001-08:00

Have you ever experienced a situation where a person asks you to consider a position and you just feel inadequate?

We are in this place and I'm more then flummoxed. Frankly - the whole thing makes me shake in my big girl boots. We are in the "mulling it over" part of the process and I keep thinking "Why us"? There are about 100 others within a square mile who'd likely fill those shoes more solidly, not to mention the handful of other things we can do with a moderate amount of ease.

When Scott and I arrived in KC to be a part of the Int. House of Prayer it was supposed to be a sabbatical. Our plan was to take 6 months to breath and then move to Seattle to be a part of a church plant as Family Pastor's with old friends. We were serious enough about it that we bought a house in Seattle. During those 6 months there were several visits to and from Seattle with our friends and in the end we concluded the fit was not right. Our style of ministry was different and so we pulled our boots up, swallowed with trepidation and said no to the offer and that left us alive and kicking in KC, but waiting.

In the waiting key things happened. I worked at a Mosaic Art Studio for a year which opened a door in me; suddenly I had permission and freedom to create. We adopted Riley in a most miraculous way. It was one of those right time, right place, divine moments. After Riley we thought OK - that was it. THAT was why we stayed and so begin looking out onto the horizon, asking God for direction...and we waited.

We haven't twiddle our thumbs in the waiting. We worked the construction business, stayed on staff at IHOP, went through 2 miscarriages, had a 3rd child, poured into old relationships and reached out for new. Job offers have come over the years and we've explored them; pastoring, working with kids, office management, habitat for humanity...stuff right up our alley. Offers we have skill sets for, but in pray could find no solid peace to say yes...so we've waited.

Waiting is a dicey thing.

Waiting on the Lord to weave new skeins into the tapestry doesn't always feel good. It's a choice that can bear much beauty in the soul, but a person can get so comfortable in the waiting that leaving that place is difficult. There is ease in anonymity.

The kind of waiting the Bible describes paints the image of a server in a restaurant who tarries at the table, lingering to fill, bring and clear. It is an active thing. Honestly, the type of waiting I'm used to has involved checking out until the next best thing comes along. I, like so many in our culture, have moved to and from jobs letting position dictate place and it is a cheap substitute. It's like settling for a burnt burger at Flo's Diner, vs. sitting down at Le Cirque to Jean Marcellin serving Prime Dry Aged Strip Steak served with a tapenade and potato beignet. It's choosing Mad Dog over Chateau Lafite, chuck steak instead of Filet Mignon. It is the fare I have so often eaten in the rush of just trying to make my life count.

If you were to ask us to describe ourselves at this point in life we'd say "nothing special", "like every other guy sitting on the bench" and the bench is starting to feel like home and that is comfortable and scary all at the same time.

A person stands to loose a lot in the waiting - identity, possessions, dreams and at times their way. Hidden is not necessarily a bad state to be in. Time to regroup, refresh, rest and re-define is vital, but once you start wandering around in the hiding you can get lost in a flash. I have wondered if we've FINALLY given over to some grace of humility, or have we just settled in?

I don't believe we're lost and I don't think the waiting is because of some wrong turn in life and now we are being punished by the fate of our choices. God's grace covers a far wider swath. Likely there were a million little pieces of us and time that needed to be adjusted. Likely we needed to have our identity, possessions and ideas turned over so the real Scott and Marcie could stand up. We needed a good shake, so the fruit - rotten and fresh - would fall. God has been brewing us a bit like a fine wine. Chipping off the rock surrounding the core because we said "yes" to His hand in our lives in that way; but this part of the journey has not been easy.

We all have to give up some of what we think we are, in order to arrive at who we might really be. I just don't want to be so comfortable with hiding that it becomes the norm.

The offer before us is not the end all be all. It's not the creme de le creme dream position. We won't suddenly have arrived at some pinnacle place, where every vista is a new delight if we say yes. What makes this markedly different is the timing....I have been feeling life make room for me. I can't quite describe it, but things are moving over and I am starting to stand differently and this offer may be a part of that.

Weakness is right where Jesus does His best work...I get that. I've preached it. If this is our moment to step into something then we want to do it with freedom and joy, but if it is not then God please grant us the strength to stay in the waiting.

HONEY LOVE EXTRAORDINAIRE

2009-01-31T17:44:00.000-08:00

After much request....here's the buzz;

THE Honey Butter Recipe unveiled

Every year during the Christmas Season, chickadee extraordinaire Nyla, and I whip up a batch, or 3, of Honey Butter to bestow upon our blessed friends. Seriously, I do not want to toot our horns too loudly, but Barefoot Contessa step aside (snap) and make some room because the chefs are in the house. (whoop).

This Honey Butter is, hands down, one of the easiest and most delightful gastronomical food gifts to make. It meets with rave reviews and when I say rave... people, I am talking "oh my goodness, this is so stinking delightful I'd give my gallbladder for more. (Hey .... maybe that's what happened to mine).

Be forewarned: family members have been known to go banshee bonkers when they find the jar empty and friends will beg you for years to come for this gourmet secret. I have ALWAYS managed to put them off, BUT this season, whoowie and boy howdy, there were some per-sis-tent ones, whom I love deeply....SO unfurled for all to see and make I give you

(drumroll...with a little, teensy weensy show from the horn section please)

HONEY LOVE
Honey Love Extraordinaire

1 1b butter
1 tsp vanilla
1 cup sugar
1 cup cream (heavy)
1 cup honey
Dash of salt (dash = 1/8 tsp)

Bring sugar, cream, honey and salt to a LIGHT boil.
Turn off burner, cool this mixture a bit.
Add vanilla.
Then add butter and whip until creamy.
Pour into containers (I use small glass containers)

This is great on toast, waffles, ice cream, dip for apples or just on your finger.
It does need to be refrigerated, but will last for some time in the fridge. You may see some separation - no worries, just mix it up and enjoy.

Be released all you honey aficionado's everywhere.

Go - fly, fly my friends.

Random Pics of the kinder

2009-01-29T16:31:00.000-08:00

Phineas looks a little shocked - maybe he doesn't like having his picture taking in the nude...but he is just so darn tootin' cute.

He takes after me :)

The SWAP party

2009-01-29T12:51:00.001-08:00

Last night I gathered with a group of chic and very hip gals to partake in a SWAP party...so fun! My sweet friends, Kelly and Becky, decided to host this little shindig and it was sparkling in every way!!! Food, friends, free stuff - ingredients to make a very fine evening. (all displayed in high fashion if I might add)

You can swap anything you want, but this round was all about accessories. They invited gals with similar fashion sense and we all dug out jewelry, belts, glasses, purses, scarves, etc. in lovely, but slightly used condition, which we no longer wanted. There were rules (of course there were rules!!), but basically you could walk away with new bling you didn't have to pay for and that.....that is very satisfying!

I scored!!! Lime green, Tommy Hilfiger purse, dangly beaded bronze earrings, very cool silver bracelet, and some other shiny what-nots.

Here's the deal - I thought I wore some decent jewelry before I moved to these here parts, but since running with the likes of Kelly and Becky, I have been inspired to step out of my accessorizing comfort zone - mainly with LARGER baubles. They both seem able to wear anything and pull it off with panache'. Reality is they could wear a red vine around their necks and others would applaud it as a fashionable signature mark.

OK - so I mentioned the loot, but the food - oh man the food was so, so tasty. There is something deeply satisfying about eating food you have not had to prep or clean-up for. But... when the food is gourmet it just takes it up a notch (BAM!...sorry had to say it)

Artichoke Bisque (I didn't even know artichoke could be bisqued), venison sausage with a cream cheese spread layered between wafer thin, light as air, crackers, slices of ciabatta bread stacked with brie cheese, pear and dark chocolate wine sauce drizzled on top. OH - and apple cider ala mode drinks. WOW!

It is was intimate, it was fun and we are going to repeat the process in a few months, only this time with household decor. Eventually we will move on to linens, kitchen wear, shoes, cars...(OK just joking with the cars - although I have a really sweet RV I'd trade :) )

If you are interested in hosting your own SWAP party all you need to do is Google the term for ideas. The great thing is that a SWAP is not gender limited. Think of the swap arenas left to be unfurled...power tools, books, office supplies, crafts, hats, sports equipment.

On a deeper scale, think about how SWAP parties could revolutionize the ministry. Churches could swap people like they trade players in sports. Pastors could swap sermons. Ministries could just trade whole conferences; including the personnel to run the things.

The ideas are limitless really - just think about it.

Andy Warhol would be proud.

2009-01-19T13:04:00.000-08:00

My son was given a digital camera for Christmas and this is the outcome.

I am not sure how we got orange, but it is actually a very artsy look.
Andy Warhol would be proud (and no I don't particulary like his art - but still).

If I could be anywhere right now

2009-01-16T13:29:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in my very cluttered office listening to a FolkAlley livestream. I know I am wasting time, boy do I know.... but the listening is causing me to slooooowwww down for a moment and just enjoy.
I don't do enough of that.
Heck - with 3 small children I never really sloooooowww down; I just carve out time by putting something else on hold.

In my slow-down moment I had an "if I could be anywhere right now" thought. I think it was a self asking self a question and really the answer is always the same:

I'd be sailing or looking out on the Pacific Ocean.

Oh man; I can almost taste the salty tang, feel the wind and hear my heart better.

It makes me want to listen to something like Cool Change (Little River Band), Sailing (Christopher Cross) or The Edmund Fitzgerald (Gordon Lightfoot).

I grew up next to the Ocean. Not right on top of it, but about a mile away. Most of my coast friends moved after college and my family re-located inland in the mid-90's. Suddenly all the easy ways to visit were gone and each year of marriage has moved me farther and farther away from the ocean until I've landed about smack dab in the middle of the US. I don't want to offend, but it ain't pretty!

The correct term on the Pacific Northwest is "the coast" - not "the beach". A BEACH is the Keys or Jamaica. It's body surfing in warm water. It's a place you bring a picnic and suntan lotion and plan to hang-out for the day just soaking it up. The COAST is wind, sand-dunes, frothy surf, glorious sunsets, and massive logs rolled in from some storm. It's visits full of dashing in and out of the c-c-c-coooold waters. Surfers on the coast are a whole different breed who come equipped with full-body wetsuits, long-boards and guts enough to brave the elements (including sharks).

I spent a lot of years walking the coast line and I miss it. I don't mean the "golly gee that'd be fun to go back there sometime" kind of "miss it". I mean an ache in my soul. Truth be told sometimes I even cry when I think about how much I long for it. The coast and I have a history. I've worked out some my greatest tears and best ideas walking her shoreline and she has embraced me in my loneliness and my joy.

Vivid memories of growing up near the water are easy to recollect; family walks in the mist, my Great Dane, Jylan, chasing down Agate Beach after Mr. black trench-coat man, incredible float & shell finds, parties I shouldn't have been at and ones I wish could have gone on forever. Moments which indelibly marked me such as the bonfire when the guy jumped out of the tree into the bushes and the twig went directly into his hiney - still makes me wince, midnight dock crab-boils or the deep-sea fishing trip with Scott and dad where I caught the most fish.

I was made for the water. I've loved it from the time I was about 9 months old and took to the swimming pool like a tadpole. Comfort always comes in the form of a hot bath with a good book and no interruptions from children. I even labored in water for 14 hours with my firstborn; staring at a painted water scene in Holland - the water just kept going on and on in that picture and it was both the water I was in and looking at (intensely) that helped get through that drug-free.

I want to move back to the ocean and I still haven't figured out why I don't. Since I am married that kind of decision would have to be 3 -way...God, me and Scott. Don't get me wrong; the coast is not an easy place to live. Good paying jobs are tough to come by, house prices are out-of-control, and the spiritual atmosphere is congested with tons of new-age wacko's.

Still... it is near the ocean that I feel the smallest and the largest. Looking out onto the horizon, hearing the surf crashing and gazing on the brilliant colors of a sunset is something powerful. It is an awe-filled moment of worship where I recognize with great clarity the grandeur of God. It's one of the best places to be.

Mr Ganja - put some funk on that stank!

2009-01-11T16:07:00.000-08:00

The other day I was in my local, large-chain, variety store. There was a guy in front of me buying clothes. 30ish, handsome in a disheveled, "I was good-looking and something back on the football team", sort of way. What drew my attention was not the fact that he kept vying for 30% off on a shirt with the sales clerk, but the constant state of motion. He could not keep still! The thought "he is tweaking" ran through my mind and as I got closer my nose filled in the details. Odiferous wafts of pot has such a distinct smell.

If my brother had been with me he would have said something like; "dude - put some funk on that stank!" (and I would have laughed like I do every time he says it).

Maybe I am different. I know that some of you wouldn't know what a doobie looked liked if it walked up and smacked ya up the backside and ya know....that is just okey-dokey. That type of innocence is refreshing. It reminds me of how things could have been. You see, I grew up with parents of dichotomy. They were business owners, on the PTA, etc., but we had a family secret and that was D-R-U-G-S and that just spelled a whole lot of craziness through the years. Some of my most vivid memories are of watching my dad sift the seeds out of the mar-eh-juh-wanna he had grown and dried, or the weekend family shroom picking outings; The faster we filled our buckets, the quicker we'd get our berry shake treat. And dang if I wasn't like white lighting.

A digression: Did you know that the receptor neurons in the nose are particularly interesting because they are the only direct recipient of stimuli in all of the senses which are nerves? Yah - I didn't know that either. I guess you could say that when I smell marijuana, pot, wacky weed, burnie, grass...whatever you call it, it stimulates & sets off a lot of neurons in my memory caches.

Music does that too. Scientists call it word power. You can test the power of a song right now. Beware... one of these could ruin your day:

"The Theme from Gilligan's Island"
"Mission: Impossible"
"We Will Rock You"
"The Macarena"

These ditties have been cited as the most common to get stuck in people's heads and create a cognitive itch. During the family drug days my dad was really into music. Whenever there was a drug party at our house, music could be heard through the smoke haze. When I realized that America's Horse with No Name was not about a literal horse, that gave me a pain.

OK - sheesh - back to the main point.
wait....is there a main point....oh yah....it's this piece of brilliance

We all have a little bit of the Mr. Ganja in us.

Invincible moments where we don't care what people see and smell.

Invalid moments where we feel unseen and unnoticed.

And then those "For the love of all that is Holy, I hope no one saw me"....I WISH I WAS invisible moments. (like the time I went nuts and sped up to re-pass someone - on the wrong side of the road - just before a curve because their driving ticked me off. (don't worry that was like months ago)

There is One who does see....and not in an all-seeing eye sort of way the Hindu's would propagate nor in a stern "I see your crap you little failure" way the ultra religious would preach.

No - the ONE I am talking about is Jesus.

And His word says that He was a Man of sorrows; acquainted with grief —Isaiah 53:3.

Frankly...I need to hear that.
I need to know that He sees me even when I cover up my stank and convince myself no one else smells it. Jesus even sees me when I have reached the place where I just don't care what I smell like to others.

Not only does He see me, but He loves me in the midst of it and that is better than any other high!

It's a Sassafras Lemongrass Kinda Year!

2009-01-10T15:12:00.000-08:00

I have a blog confession to make right from the start. I had another blog....Friends Dine Free....on that other popular blog site, but I never used it.

I had one friend read it. Yep, count it...ONE! I guess that may have been because I only invited one friend to even see it.

When I started out blogging I toyed with several titles, but they were either in use or seemed lame. I liked Sassafras Lemongrass right out of the gate. It was a bit eccentric with a whimsically off-beat undertone. Tangy with an underbite of zing. I asked my guy what he thought of the name and as much as he gets me - he just couldn't wrap his male cerebral-ness around it - so in a moment of title desperation I typed in Friends Dine Free and it was forever sealed in blogdom. Friends Dine Free seemed catchy. It was kind-of quirky and hey, I love to have friends over for a bit of nosh and a cuppa'; so it all seemed good.

The deal is...I NEVER wrote on that blog. Outside of the first entry, I do mean N-E-V-E-R. Not for not trying....I'd open my account and fiddle about with the look. Really... I just wanted an outlet. A place to let my brain and heart get out for a little jog around the block. Instead I felt pressure. You'd think I was trying to win a Newberry Award or that I needed to create a dissertation to save my soul with all the pressure I felt. It just killed the joy! Pretty soon the blog was like a symbol floating out there in megabyte world that said "great start - poor follow through".

When 2009 rolled around I made a stellar decision...I do want to blog. So...it's time to let the cat out of the bag, let the laughter roll, let the silly be OK ....I like Sassafras Lemongrass. I am not sure how a nonsensical bit-let of a phrase can make me giggle, but it does; so Sassafras it is.

I think the title is symbolic of where I am at internally these days. Sorting out so I can define the last half of my life. I am 40 this year and I feel like I am in a Robert Frost moment standing at a merge trying to figure out which road to dance down. Frankly; sometimes this makes me agitated! Looking forward sometimes requires looking back. It means staring at my choices and conceptions, missed and accurate, about me, my skills, my dreams, my relationship with God and either own em' or chuck em'.

For too long I viewed myself as a "type A" personality (not the highly obsessed, anal, incapable of relaxation part, but the highly driven part). In about the last 4 years it has been dawning on me that I don't really fit the script. I became a "type a" in order to survive my childhood.

In college I was part of a small, but elite group know as Dorm Supervisor. I am not joking when I say elite. Outside of jockdom this was "the" group to be in. The application and interview process was intensely personal and somehow I fooled em' all and got the job. We'd meet once a week as a group and call it class. We did all sorts of feel good type activities and got credit for it. Meyers-Briggs was a popular test in the day so we took it at as a group. When we got the results we broke into types.

I stood alone in my group.
My best friend stood alone in her group.

I think I was a ENTJ and she was a ENTF or visa versa. All the others - NOT JOKING -ALL were clustered into about 4 other groups. It was the first time I felt justified in feeling just slightly off center and a little different. I wanted to pull my drum out and beat it loud.

I've taken that test several times since as I've metamorphised into adulthood and I am not an ENTJ anymore. The best way to describe me is" type M" - Just Me. When I have that completely figured out I'll be walking on the other side of eternity and not really care. What I am most aware of is that typecasting can land a person in a whole lot of assumption about who they need to be and act. Great for the movies, not so good for dreaming and living authentically.

SO - join me, enjoy me or think me ridiculous, but Ms. Sassafras is here to stay (well for as long as I decide that I want to write).